


Little Ringside of Horrors

by Artemis_Phoenix



Category: Professional Wrestling, World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Alternate Universe - 1960s, Comedy, Gen, Grease Parody, Hairspray parody, Horror, Little Shop of Horrors parody, Song Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:21:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24946054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Artemis_Phoenix/pseuds/Artemis_Phoenix
Summary: A parody of musicals set in the 1960s that the world of WWE has become a victim of. It involves an nerdy florist in love with a blonde, and a mysterious, carnivorous plant.CastOtis - Seymour KrelbornMandy Rose - AudreyPaul Heyman - Mr. MushnikSheamus - The voice of Audrey IIDolph Ziggler - The Dentist3MB (Drew McIntyre, Jinder Mahal, and Heath Slater reuniting) - The UrchinsThe Miz - Wink WilkensenScott Stanford - Sidney Sanders (A parody of Corny Collins fromHairspray)John Cena - Tooth Fairy (A parody of Frankie Avalon as the Teen Angel fromGrease)Multiple WWE superstars will play different characters.
Relationships: Drew McIntyre/Heath Slater/Jinder Mahal, Mandy Rose/Dolph Ziggler (Abusive), Mandy Rose/Otis Dozovic





	1. Down on Skid Row

**Author's Note:**

> Just a big re-do of my AU fic I did years ago on Fanfiction.net, with some slight changes to characters. The writing remains the same with some tweaks, but will add trigger warnings because the setting takes place in 1960’s America.
> 
>  **Disclaimer:** I don’t own anything. Lyrics and music belong to Howard Menkel and the late Howard Ashman.
> 
>  **Trigger warning:** Racial slurs, misogyny, appropriation, abuse

There stood an old on the podium at an old movie theater. In the audience were the children of the Beat Generation, as well as the children of the Baby Boomers. The Storyman, as they would call him, pulled out a page from an old book from the Sixties, and he read,

**"On the 23rd day of the month of September,**

**In an early year of a decade not too long before our own,**

**The human race suddenly encountered a deadly threat to its very existence.**

**And this terrifying enemy surfaced, as such enemies often do...**

**...in the seemingly**

**...not so innocent**

**…and likely of places..."**

Then, a flashback. The flashback took us into 1962, and it became reality. Suddenly, music was played. A beat you could dance the Twist to, and there was a thunderstorm hitting the town. On the streets slept the homeless, while sex workers catered to the johns.

 _"Little ring, little ring of horrors."_ There was singing, off-key, and so wannabe doo-wop. _"Little ring, little ringside terror. Call a cop! Little ring of horrors. No, oh, oh, no-oh!"_

Then, from the alleyway next to a flower shop called, Mushnik's Flowers, came a trio of Urchins: A tall, long-haired Scotsman, a Southern-bred ginger, and a tall, Indian with a blue turban. They all were wearing suits, like groups such as The Four Tops were wearing. They sang off-key, and they danced.

_"Little ring, little ring of horrors. Bop-sh'bop, little ringside terror. Watch 'em drop! Little ring of horrors. No, oh, oh, no-oh!"_

The Scotsman sang, _"Shing-a-ling, What a creepy thing teh beh happenin'!"_

"Look out!" cried the Ginger.

"Look out!" cried the Indian.

"Look out!" the Scotsman cried again.

"Look out!" they all bellowed into the streets.

Then the Indian sang, _"Shang-a-lang, feel the strum and drang in the air."_

 _"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!"_ the others agreed.

Just then, the Urchins ended up on the balcony of an abandoned building. They did poses like the Motown groups, abeit badly, and sloppy.

“Sha-la-la, stop right where you are, don't you move a thing," sang the Ginger.

_"You better! You better! Tellin' you, you better. Tell your mama, somethin's gonna get her. She better, everybody better beware."_

Then, rain poured down the street, darkening the dreary, slum-like environment. Magically, the Urchins appeared on the sidewalk, dancing, not giving a damn if they're about to get wet.

 _"Ohh, here it comes, baby,"_ they sang as they danced on the street. _"Tell the bums, baby. Oh, oh, noo! Oh, ohh, oh, hit the dirt, baby. Red alert, baby. Oh, oh, no! Oh, oh, noo!"_

They strut down the sidewalk and in front of the flower shop as the Scotsman sang, _"Alley-oop, hurry off teh school, child, I'm warnin' ye!"_

"Look out!" cried the Ginger.

"Look out!" cried the Indian.

"Look out!" the Scotsman cried once again.

"Look out!" they all yelled at a cab passing by them, almost splashing them with rainwater.

 _"Run away!”_ the Indian sang. _"Child, you gonna pay if you stay, yeah!"_

 _"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!"_ the others agreed.

They entered the shop where a portly, balding Jewish man sat on a stool near the cash register reading a newspaper with the heading about an un-expecting total eclipse of the sun.

 _"Look around, somethin's comin' down, down the street for you!"_ The Ginger sang.

The Jewish man remained unaware of the Urchins' presence, their cheap imitation of doo-wop groups, and their horrific singing.

 _"You betcha,"_ they sang. _"You betcha. You bet your butt, you betcha. Best believe it. Somethin's come to get ya. You betcha, you better watch your back and your tail!"_

Suddenly, the Urchins descended down the stairs into the basement of the shop, where there was a young, awkward looking heavyset man, with his dark blond hair slicked back, glasses, and an unkempt beard. He was trying to stack pots in a makeshift shelf located near his cot.

 _"Woo!"_ yelled the Indian.

 _"Come-a, come-a, come-a,"_ sang the Scotsman.

 _"Little ring, little ring of horrors,"_ they joined him. _"Bop-sh'bop, you'll never stop the terror! Little ring, little ring of horrors. No, oh, oh, no, oh, oh, no, oh, oh, noo!"_

The Urchins mysteriously disappeared as the young man fell with the pots, the cot breaking his fall, but the pots shattered into pieces, the noise ascended upstairs into the shop. It interrupted the Jewish man's reading as he yelled, "Seymour, what's going on down there?!"

"Very little, Mr. Mushnik!" responded the young man called Seymour Krelborn.

He cleaned up the mess, and turned on the radio. _"...And at his press conference today,"_ the reporter spoke, _"President Kennedy fielded questions concerning last Thursday's total eclipse of the sun, an astrological phenomenon which has baffled the nation."_

Across the street from the flower shop, a young woman stepped out of her apartment building sporting a red blouse, a black pencil skirt, pink stiletto heels, and a polka dotted hairband that lovingly hugged her long, blonde hair. What didn't match her attire was the black eye she had on her face. She went inside of the flower shop where Mr. Mushnik greeted her with sarcasm, "So she finally decides to come to work!"

"Good morning, Mr. Mushnik," she sweetly responded as she went into the backroom.

"What morning? It's almost closing time, not that we had a customer." Mr. Mushnik heard another crash from the basement as he headed into the backroom where the girl was trying to cover her black eye with the little foundation she had left in her compact. "Seymour! What in the name of God is going on down there? Audrey, would you go down and see what he's—where did you get that shiner?"

"Uh, shiner?" Audrey went into the front of the shop.

"Audrey, that sleazy punk of a boyfriend of yours is beating up on you again? I know it's none of my business, but he's maybe not such a nice boy."

Then Seymour came from the basement. "I got these pots unloaded for you, Mr. Mushnik," he said before tripping over and smashing the pots.

"Seymour, look at what you've done with the inventory!"

"Don't yell at him, Mr. Mushnik!" Audrey cried as she helped Seymour clean up the mess.

"Hi, Audrey," Seymour shyly greeted her, then noticed her face. "You look radiant today. Is that new eye makeup?"

"Uh, I'll help him clean it up before any of the customers get here." The blonde picked up the pieces and dumped them in the trash, then handed Seymour a dustpan.

"That should give you plenty of time!" exclaimed Mr. Mushnik. "Oh, God, what an existence I got: Misfit employees, bums on the sidewalk, business is lousy! My life is a living hell!"

All of a sudden, he heard Dion’s “The Wanderer” playing loudly on a portable record player, followed by loud chatter echoing the glass window. More like bar room chatter after the last call for beer. The chatter belonged to the Urchins, dressed as greasers with leather jackets, denim jeans, and motorcycle boots. The Scotsman had his long, dark brown hair down past his shoulder blades, and he was sharing a Playboy magazine with the Ginger, who also had his strawberry blond hair slicked back, and the Indian, who had his hair greased back. "Man, oh, man!" cried the Ginger. "Would ah love to have mah hands on that rack!"

"Ye wish!" the Scotsman snorted, chewing a piece of bubble gum before blowing a bubble and popping it, annoying the Ginger. "She probably wouldn't want yeh type. Chicks these days dig accents!"

"Dream on!" cried the Indian. "Like they could understand you!"

They started arguing a bit before Mr. Mushnik tapped the window of his shop. "Hey, you! Urchins!" he yelled at them, causing the Scotsman to roll up the dirty magazine before he and his friends stepped away from the window, popping another bubble. Heath ran back and grabbed the record from the portable player. "Move! Move!" Mr. Mushnik continued yelling, even stepping outside. "Go away! No loitering!"

"Man, I wasn't loitering!" the Indian yelled. "Were you, Drew?"

"Not meh, Jinder!" said the Scotsman. "Were yeh, Heath?"

"You boys oughta be in school!" Mr. Mushnik continued.

"Oh, yeah?" yelled Heath. "We're on a split shift!"

"Right," added Jinder. "We went to school 'til Fifth Grade, then we split."

"That's a 'cause y'all are dumb!" Heath snickered.

Drew and Jinder grabbed Heath by the shirt and threatened to kick his ass. "At least my dad's not in the can for fucking my sister!" Jinder scoffed.

"Oh, doncha dare start 'em fightin' words!" The Ginger became Southern-fried as he also shoved Drew, who was laughing. "And doncha be laughin', Drew!"

"Greasers!" scoffed Mr. Mushnik.

"Kike!" they yelled back.

"Wop!"

This caused Jinder to pull out his switchblade knife before he was pushed into putting it back into his pocket.

"So tell me, boys," Mr. Mushnik asked the question. "How do you intend to better yourselves?"

This caused the pink bubble in Drew's mouth to pop as he tapped his friends' chests. "Better ourselves?" he scoffed. "Ye hear what he said, lads? Better ourselves? Mister, when yeh from Skid Row, ain't no such thing."

* * *

Just then, in the alleyway, Renee Young, sporting a blond and brown bouffant hairdo (A-la Tracy Turnblad) and cat's eye glasses, dismally dragged her feet down the dark alley. She had come from a long hard day at work uptown, and in her arms was a bag of groceries.

 _"Alarm goes off at seven,"_ she began to sing, _"and you start uptow-w-nn. You put in your eight hours for the powers that have always been."_

She walked past by Jinder, who was now wearing a lavender suit. "Sing it, child!" he said.

_" 'Til it's five-pm-m-m!"_

_"Then you go..."_ went Fandango and Tyler Breeze, the bums on the sidewalk.

 _"…Downtown, where the folks are broke,"_ the Urchins, all in their lavender suits, danced as they and Renee sang and walked towards her apartment. _"You go downtown, where your life's a joke. You go downtown, where you buy a token and you go-oh...home to Skid Row-oh."_

 _"Home to Skid Row-oh,"_ sang the Urchins as they copied The Temptations.

_"Yes, you go..."_

_"Downtown, where the cabs don't stop,"_ sang Titus O’Neil at the passing cab.

 _"Downtown, where the food is slop!"_ cried Bobby Lashley as he threw out leftovers from a large pot out the window.

 _"Downtown, where the hop-heads flop in the snow-oh, down on Skid Row,"_ the inhabitants all sang in the dismally gray neighborhood.

 _"Uptown, you cater to a million jerks,"_ the Urchins appeared by the train stations, doing a cheap Motown dance. _"Uptown, you're messengers and mailroom clerks, eating all your lunches at the hot-dog carts. The bosses take your money and they break your hearts. In uptown, you cater to a million whores. You disinfect terrazzo on their bathroom floors. The jobs are really menial— you make no bread, and then at five-o'clock you head—_

 _"By subway..."_ said R-Truth.

Just then, Audrey went to take the trash out, and she sighed. _"Downtown, where the guys are drips,"_ she sang.

 _"Downtown,"_ sang the inhabitants.

_"Where they rip your slips."_

_"Downtown."_

_"Where relationships are no go-oh, down on Skid Row!"_

_"Down on Skid Row,”_ cried an elderly woman.

 _"Down on Skid Row,”_ moaned Audrey.

 _"Down on Skid Row,”_ chirped MVP, sitting outside his brothel counting his money.

_"Down on Skid Row."_

_"Down on Skid Row."_

_"Down on Skid Row."_

By the shop, Seymour swept the floor, singing, _"Poor, all my life I've always been poor. I keep askin' God what I'm for. And he tells me, 'Gee, I'm not sure. Sweep that floor, fatty!'"_

Then he stepped out of the shop and wandered the streets of Skid Row. _"Oh! I started life as an orphan, a child of the streets, here on Skid Row! He took me in, gave me shelter, a bed, crust of bread and a job. Treats me like dirt and calls me a fatass, which I am...So, I live …"_

 _"Downtown,"_ moaned the people.

_"That's your home address, you live—_

_"Downtown."_

_"When your life's a mess, you live—_

_"Downtown."_

_"Where depression's just status quo."_

_"Down on Skid Row."_

As Seymour wandered into an alley, he just stared into the fence. What was behind it? _"Someone show me a way to get outta here,"_ he moaned. _"'Cause, I constantly pray I'll get outta here. Please, won't somebody say I'll get outta here? Someone gimme my shot or I'll rot here!"_

 _"Downtown,"_ behind the fence were bums, threatening the space. _"There's no rules for us!"_

_"Show me how and I will, I'll get outta here"._

_"Downtown."_

_"I'll start climbin' up hill and get outta here."_

_"'Cause it's dangerous…Downtown..."_

_"Someone tell me I still could get outta here."_ Seymour ran and then strolled on the sidewalk with the rest of the people.

 _"Where there rainbow just doesn't show-oh!"_ moaned the bums and the residents.

 _"Someone tell lady luck that I'm stuck here!"_ moaned Seymour as he walked down the sidewalk towards the flower shop.

_"When you get...Downtown."_

And Audrey joined him, _"Gee, it sure would be swell to get outta here."_

 _"Where the sun don't shine,"_ sang the people.

 _"Bid the gutter farewell and get outta here,”_ sang Seymour and Audrey.

 _"Downtown,”_ sang the residents.

_"I'd move heaven and hell to get outta Skid—_

_"Past the bottom line."_

_"I'd do I dunno what to get outta Skid—_

_"Downtown."_

_"But a hell of a lot to get outta Skid—_

_"Ask any wino, and he'll know-oh!"_

_"People tell me there's not a way outta Skid—_

_"Downtown! Downtown! Downtown!"_

_"But believe me I gotta get outta Skid Row!"_

**TO BE CONTINUED….**


	2. Introducing Audrey II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seymour introduces a strange and unusual plant to Mushnik’s Florists.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Trigger warning:** Racial slurs, misogyny, appropriation, abuse

Back at the flower shop, Mr. Mushnik, Audrey, and Seymour, waited all day for customers to arrive. It was getting tiring, especially for Mr. Mushnik. He had enough. "That's it!" he yelled. "Forget it. Don't bother coming in tomorrow."

Seymour and Audrey exchanged glances. Was Mr. Mushnik serious?

"You don't mean," Audrey gasped.

"I mean, I'm through," Mr. Mushnik waved his hands in frustration. "Kaput!"

Seymour pleaded, "You can't!"

"Kaput. Extinct. I'm closing this God-and-customer-forsaken place!"

Then the nerdy man found his voice, "Mr. Mushnik, forgive me for saying so, but has it ever occurred to you that maybe what the firm needs is to move in a new direction?"

The portly Jewish shop owner stared coldly at him. How dare he speak to him that way?

Then Audrey mediated, "What Seymour's trying to say is—Seymour, why don't you run downstairs and bring up that strange and interesting new plant you've been working on?"

Mr. Mushnik folded his arms, interested in this new idea as the Blonde continued, "You see, some of those exotic plants Seymour's been tinkering around with are really unusual. We thought that maybe some of those strange and interesting new plants, prominently displayed and advertised, would attract business."

Just then, Seymour stepped out from the basement with a weird venus flytrap-like plant that resembled a cabbage with a mouth. It was inside an old coffee tin can. "I'm afraid it isn't feeling very well today," he said.

He placed the plant on the table for all to see.

"There," chirped Audrey. "Now, isn't that bizzare?"

"At least," The tone in Mr. Mushnik's voice changed. "What kind of a weirdo plant is that, Seymour?"

"I don't know," said Seymour. "I think it's some kind of flytrap, but I haven't been able to identify it in any of my books. I gave it my own name though. I call it an Audrey II."

Audrey gasped in honor. "After me?"

"I hope you don't mind." He turned to Mr. Mushnik. "Sir, if you were to put a strange and interesting plant like this here in the window, then maybe—

"Maybe what?" Mr. Mushnik stammered "Maybe what? Do you have any idea how ridiculous you sound? Just because you put a strange plant in the window, people don't suddenly—

And that's what Shawn Michaels did when he entered the shop. "Excuse me," he spoke with a slight Texan drawl. "I couldn't help noticin' that strange and interestin' plant. What is it?"

"It's an Audrey II," explained Audrey.

"By golly, I've never seen anythin' like it before."

"No one has," said Seymour.

"Where did you get it?"

"Well, you remember that total eclipse of the sun about a week ago?"

Just then, a magical flashback, and the Urchins, dressed in kimonos, appeared out of nowhere, strolling around the flower district, which was also Chinatown. _"Da-Doo!"_ they sang.

"I was walking in the Wholesale Flower District that day," explained Seymour.

_"Shoop-da-do!"_

"And I passed by this place where this nice Asian lady..."

_"Asuka-Da-Doo!"_

"Shut up!" Asuka yelled at the Urchins in Japanese, chasing them with a broom she used to sweep the sidewalk. "You hurry up and buy or I call police! Damn hoodlums!”

_"She sometimes sells me weird and exotic cuttings."_

"Including reefer!" sang Jinder, who was smoking a joint.

Heath and Drew turned to elbow and tell him to put the joint away before switching to professional Greek chorus members.

" 'Cause she knows, you see that, strange plants are my hobby."

_"Da-da-da-da-da-doo!"_

She didn't have anything unusual there that day."

_"Nope-da-doo."_

"So I was just about to, you know, walk on by."

Seymour crossed the street and joined Montez Ford, Angelo Dawkins, Erik, and Ivar in 60’s doo-wop street fashion singing on the sidewalk.

 _"Good for you,"_ sang Montez.

"When suddenly, and without warning, there was this—

 _"Total eclipse of the sun!"_ As soon as the moon blocked the sun's view onto the earth, the Urchins responded by putting on sunglasses and putting on tanning oil as if they were going to receive a special kind of a tan. They received glares from the Doo-Wop singers across the street.

"It got very dark," Seymour continued, "and there was this strange humming sound, like something from another world—

 _"Da-doo!"_ sang the Urchins.

"And when the light came back this weird plant was just sitting there."

_"Whoopsee-doo!"_

"Just, you know, stuck in, among the zinnias."

_"Audrey II."_

"I could've sworn it hadn't been there before, but the nice Asian lady sold it to me anyways for a $1.95."

 _"Sha-la-la-da-da-da-da-da-doo-doo-doo-doo!"_ the Urchins sang once more before bowing their kimono clad bodies and mysteriously disappearing.

Reality came back again where Seymour, Audrey, Mr. Mushnik, and Shawn stood in the shop. A smile formed across Shawn’s face as he spoke, "Well, that's an unusual story, and a fascinatin' plant."

He was going to leave, but all of a sudden, changed his mind. "Oh, while I'm here," he pulled out his wallet, "I might as well take $50 worth of roses."

"$50!" Mr. Mushnik cried, rubbing his hands.

All Shawn had was a $100 bill. "Can you break $100?"

"$100? No."

"Well then, I'll just have to take twice as many, won't I?"

"Twice as many?"

"Twice as many!" cried Audrey.

"Twice as many!" cried Seymour.

A half-hour later, more customers became attracted to Audrey II in the window, and immediately, business was booming at Mushnik's Flower Shop. "That plant in the window," said Michael Cole. "It's simply amazing!"

"That plant in the window!" cried William Regal. "Wherever did you get it?"

"There it is, Candice!" Johnny Gargano brought his wife Candice LeRae into the shop.

"Oh, my gosh, it's peculiar!" Candice smiled.

With that, more customers arrived to look at Audrey II, and left with bouquets of flowers and plants in their arms, and more money in Mr. Mushnik's pocket.

"Thank you very much, sir! Thank you! Thank you!" Mr. Mushnik waved good-bye to the customers as they were leaving. "Come again! Come and look at the weirdo plant some more! It's just going to get bigger and more interesting!"

He turned the sign on the door and lowered the curtain. He turned to Audrey and Seymour by the cash register. "Just don't stand there!" he exclaimed. "Quick, quick! Put the plant back—What did you call it?"

"Audrey II," said Seymour.

"Put that Audrey II back in the window, where passerby’s can see it. I never thought this could happen! I'm taking us all out to dinner tonight!"

Audrey was excited to have a nice dinner at somewhere that wasn't a greasy spoon, but she was hesitant to cancel this last-minute offer. She sighed, "I'd love to, Mr. Mushnik, but I have a date."

"With that same nogoodnik?" Mr. Mushnik scolded. "I'm telling you, Audrey, you don't need a date with him. You need major medical."

"He's a rebel, Mr. Mushnik, but he makes good money. Besides, he's the only fella I got. Enjoy dinner. Goodnight, Seymour."

"Goodnight…" Seymour's words didn't hit the girl as she left to her apartment. "Audrey."

"Poor girl." Mr. Mushnik shook his head.

"Are we still going out?" Seymour asked, but Audrey II had other plans. It began to shrivel up, and that angered Mr. Mushnik.

"You're not going anywhere, Krelborn!" he made the final call. "You're staying right here, and taking care of that sick plant!"

He grabbed his jacket and hat, ignoring the sad look on Seymour's face.

"I told you it's been giving me trouble," whined Seymour. "The Audrey II's not a healthy girl."

"Strictly between us, neither is Audrey I." The portly Jewish man grabbed his umbrella as it began to rain again.

"If I only knew what breed it was—

"Who cares what breed it is? Look what it's done for business. So work. Nurse this plant back to health. I'm counting on you, Seymour."

"I know."

"You do?"

"I do."

"So fix. Goodnight." Mr. Mushnik left the shop and locked it up, leaving a sad Seymour Krelborn to tend to Audrey II.

* * *

Later that night Seymour sat at a tiny coffee table, sighing as he watered Audrey II. Somewhere, the Urchins were singing, again. "Twoey, I don't know what else I can do for you," he whined. "Are you sickly, little plant, or are you just plain stubborn? What is it you want? What is it you need?"

The Urchins, still as greasers, mysteriously appeared on Seymour's cot, swaying their heads back and forth and snapping their fingers. The nerd remained unaware of their presense. Well, they are in fact, a Greek chorus.

"I've given you sunshine," sang Seymour. _"I've given you dirt. You've given me nothin', but heartache and hurt. I'm beggin' you sweetly. I'm down on my knees. Oh, please, grow for me."_

Then the Urchins did the usual shoop-be-doo-wops as they got into Seymour's plant books.

"I've given you plant food, and water to sip." Seymour spayed the dying plant with water. _"I've given you potash. You’ve given me zip! Oh, God, how I mist you. Oh, pod, how you tease. Now please, grow for me!"_

The Urchins continued singing their shoo-wops as they swayed on the cot like psychiatrists. "I've given you Southern Exposure to get you to thrive!" Seymour whined. _"I've pinched you back hard, like I'm supposed to! You're barely alive!"_

While Seymour sang his heart out, Drew reached and pinched Heath's nipple.

Heath punched his arm. "He meant the plant, not me!" he whispered harshly.

"Sorry," the Scotsman rolled his eyes and popped his bubble gum.

"An' quit poppin' that gum, goddamnit!"

Then they argued, when they were supposed to be the Greek chorus. Jinder pleaded with his two friends to calm down. Suddenly, his arm knocked off a couple of dead roses with their thorns still intact onto the floor.

 _"I've tried you at levels of moisture, from desert to mud!"_ Seymour started picking up the trash (that Jinder knocked onto the floor). _"I've given you grow lights and mineral supplements. What do you want from me, blood?"_

Suddenly, Seymour pricked his finger on a thorn from one of the roses. "Ow!" he cried, sucking on his finger. "Damn roses! Damn thorns!"

"My bad!" Jinder laughed nervously.

"Watch where ye knockin' over next time, ye bloody klutz!" Drew yelled, shoving him.

"Well, maybe if you quit slapping me with that hair—

"Hey, y'all!" Heath cried as he pointed at the plant puckering up and making sucking noises. "Look at the plant!"

Seymour found out how to feed Audrey II—With his own blood. The Urchins watched as the nerd hesitantly reached his finger but stepped back when the plant wanted a chunk of his finger. The plant began sucking again. A wrestling match ensued as the Urchins started humming as Seymour sang, _"I've given you sunlight. I've given you rain. Looks like you're not happy, ‘less I open a vein. I'll give you a few drops, if that'll appease."_

And the plant opened its jaws wide as Seymour squeezed three drops of his own blood into its mouth. It made a huge gulp. This was the cue for the Urchins to mysteriously disappear again.

 _"Now please, oh, oh, oh, please, grow for me!"_ Seymour sang as he went upstairs to the shop to shut off lights.

And magically, Audrey II grew, stretching the coffee tin can wide. It went from a creepy, weak sapling to an even bigger, creepy, bulky vegetable with a large cabbage-looking head, vines, and long leaves.

**TO BE CONTINUED….**


	3. Seymour’s First Television Broadcast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seymour and Audrey II make their first television debut, while dealing with Beatniks and dancing to “The Madison”. A parody of the 1988 movie _Hairspray_ is incorporated in this chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Disclaimer:** Music and lyrics belong to The Ray Bryant Combo.

The next evening, Seymour was to make his first television debut promoting Audrey II on Wink Wilkensen's Weird World on WSKID-TV, which was Skid Row's only public television station that often had high ratings, mostly caused by the popular dance show know to Skid Row, _The Sidney Sanders Show_. It was a show where youth danced to popular songs, and had a blast (being the only heavily diverse show despite the news surrounding the Civil Rights Movement of the 1960's). And that's where Seymour got lost _—_ In that studio where a bunch of youth was doing the Twist. The Urchins mysteriously appeared among the crowd, this time as part of the dancers. Heath was in a black suit, with his strawberry blond hair combed back neatly. His date was Peyton Royce, and they approach Sidney at the camera, requesting The Marvelettes' “Please Mr. Postman“ for Mashed Potato time. Jinder was in a polo shirt and blue slacks. He, Angel Garza, and Humberto Carillo were showing off the Mashed Potato a bit too much. There was also Alexa Bliss, Nikki Cross, Big E, Xavier Woods, Kofi Kingston, Drake Maverick and other people.

Seymour noticed two people that completely stood out from the crowd. At the table, the third Urchin, Drew, was a stereotypical Beatnik, sporting a black turtleneck shirt, black-rimmed eyeglasses, a Van Dyke beard, black pants, sandals, and his long, dark brown hair complemented the black beret on his head. He brought his date, Billie Kay, who was also a Beatnik. She was wearing a mini black dress, bangles on her wrists, fishnet stockings, black heels, and her hair was jet black, long, straight, and had bangs in the front. Her eye makeup was like Elizabeth Taylor's version of Cleopatra with her lips nude. They were raiding the free all-you-can-eat-buffet, as Drew smuggled a quarter of a tray of dinner rolls into Billie’s purse.

Then the host of the show, Sidney Sanders, received a telegram for a song request, took the stage, and introduced the next song and dance. "Boys and girls, stay on the dance floor. Here comes the hottest tune of the day, and where did you see it first, kids?”

" _The Sidney Sanders Show_!" Everyone exclaimed.

"A big, strong line, Skid Row. It's Madison Time!"

This perked up the Beatniks at the table, who stopped their dinner roll looting and joined the crowd.

The youth all formed a dance line, with Jinder, Xavier, Drew, Billie, Heath, Peyton, and Humberto at the front. A jazzy tune hit the floor. The Ray Bryant Combo were the apple of the Beatniks' eyes. Seymour took Audrey II to a table to hide from the cameras. _"It's Madison time!"_ went the record player as finger snapping became percussion sounds before the dance started. _"Hit it!"_

 _"You're looking good, a big, strong line!"_ Indeed it was-everyone was having fun, even Audrey II.

_"When I say hit it, I want you to go two up and two back with a big strong turn, and back to the Madison. Hit it!"_

The upbeat jazzy tune turned the crowd on, and Seymour was enjoying it. He decided to join the crowd and snuck in between Drew and Billie. They both glared at him as he did The Madison better than them.

 _"You're looking good!"_ went the speakers _. "Now when l say hit it, I want you to go two up and two back, double cross, come out of it with The Rifleman. Hit it!"_

The Beatniks were having so much fun showing off in a very cool-cat style that the bangles on Billie’s wrists added a kick to the saxophone. Seymour was getting into the groove.

 _"Crazy!"_ went the speakers again as Seymour and Drew exchanged awkward glances.

Audrey II, however, swayed back and forth on a table.

 _"Now when l say hit it, l want the big, strong 'M', erase it, and back to the Madison. Hit it!"_ And Seymour was having a good time, despite being the only heavyset nerd in the crowd, causing Heath to roll his eyes. _"Walk on! You're lookin' good!"_

_"Now, then, when l say hit it, it'll be T-time. Hit it!"_

Everyone in the front row was having a blast.

_"Big, strong line."_

So was everyone.

_"Now when l say hit it, l want the big, strong basketball with a Wilt Chamberlain hook. Hit it!"_

And a jump a second later, everyone became basketball players.

_"Two points!"_

Everyone was graceful once again with the Madison, even Sidney, and Audrey II were watching all the action taking place.

_"Now this time when l say hit it, l want the big, strong Jackie Gleason, and back to the Madison. Hit it!"_

"And away we go!" The crowd yelled.

_"Crazy!"_

Then, Drew blushed when Heath and Jinder whistled at him from either side of him, which annoyed their dates, and Seymour.

 _"When l say hit it, go two up and two back, double cross, and freeze. Hit it! And hold it right there."_ Everyone chilled with their poses.

There was applause, which was ruined by Audrey II trying to eat Zelina Vega, and it gave Seymour the cue to grab the plant off the table, and find the room where Wink's show was holding at. Smokey Robinson and The Miracles', _“_ You Really Got a Hold on Me”played as the youth in the studio slow-danced to the tune. 

* * *

A few moments later, Seymour was finally directed to the studio where Wink's show was located at. He was worried if he was going to be late, but he made it and they have yet to start airing live. He and Audrey II sat down at a waiting room as he heard the news anchor from another room, "You're watching WSKID-TV, home of _The_ _Sidney Sanders Show_. Coming up next, _Wink Wilkensen's Weird World_ , where wonderful people bring in their weird things, but first, the weather..."

Seymour felt more out of place than ever, now he had the same Beatniks from the show downstairs eyeing Audrey II like it was dessert.

"Your plant is rad, daddy-o," Billie said to him, her Australian accent thickening, twirling a black strand, the bangles on her wrist making a surreal tune almost cymbal-like.

"Didn't I see you two on _Sidney Sanders_?" asked Seymour.

"Yeah, that show's so on the cob, man. We were there because we dig ‘The Madison’."

"And there was a free buffet," Drew added. "With a salad bar that ain't poisoned with that bloody DDT, or so they tell us.” His Scottish accent went brogue as he pointed to Audrey II. “I hope yeh didnae use that on that innocent plant."

"He's been reading _Silent Spring_ by Rachel Carson, and to add, we were trying to smash the clock because we're on Wink's show."

"Aye, he's wicked Dali-esque!" the Scotsman gasped.

"Gosh, you two are _really_ Beatniks. Just like in New York." Seymour meekly uttered, feeling more out of place.

Suddenly, Drew began playing the bongos as Billie sang, _"Day-o, day-o! Daylight's a-comin', and he wanna go home!"_

"I'll be showing Audrey II on Wink's show!"

Audrey II was more excited by Drew playing the bongos, but was still hungry. Then, Billie stared up and down Seymour and flicked her black hair back.

"Not with those threads you don't," she snorted, tracing the air with her fingers into a recognizable shape. "You look like a square to me."

Drew agreed with her, pointing to Seymour's head. "Ye may hae a groovy plant, but yeh hair is really uncool," he purred in disgust.

"How do you get your hair so straight and so long?" he asked the Scotsman.

"With a brush, man! l play meh bongos, listen teh Odetta, and then l brush meh hair. Dig?"

The nerd turned to the stage manager in the white blouse and bright red pencil skirt. "Excuse me," he said to her. "I was told to be here—

"You're next," she responded.

Then, the stage manager's red derriere attracted Audrey II, and while Seymour continued to get harassed by the Beatniks, it tried to reach and take a huge bite of her ass. As soon as its jaws opened wide, and its weird tongue stuck out, Seymour caught it and covered its mouth shut, its leaves moving about as if they were human arms flailing.

"Let's do some reefer after teh show," the Scottish Beatnik offered.

"We'll get high, and I'll wash that grease off your hair," said Billie.

"Drugs?" Seymour gasped.

"Locoweed. Schmick, eh? Drew grew it himself."

"But don't tell anyone," Drew whispered. "I don't want teh foreign fuzz chasing meh back teh Scotland."

"Oh, are you an illegal?"

"No, man! I'm on teh exchange."

"I'm sorry?"

Billie shook her head. "You look like you're in need of X-Ray glasses, mate."

Then Drew wrapped his arms around the nerd. "Ye see, lad, when I'm high, I am Odetta. Let's get naked and smoke!"

"Cool!" Billie clapped her hands, jingling her bangles like a tambourine. "I'm diggin’ that one, cool cat!"

Suddenly, R-Truth, and his ventriloquist dummy Little Jimmy, stood up and yelled, "Man, y'all need to quit botherin' that fat boy! Little Jimmy gettin' tired of your jive talk!"

"Sit on it!" Drew flipped him off, mentally pushing R-Truth back to his seat.

"Yeah, cool it, man! Billie whined. "We aren't breaking his balls!"

"Yeah," stammered Seymour (hoping that he will get called). "It's okay."

The stage manager came back out into the green and called for Seymour's name. The nerd was finally relieved—those two Beatniks were driving him crazy! He picked up Audrey II and then proceeded to the door.

"Well, it was nice meeting you," he politely told them. "I'm next."

"Aww!" whined Drew as he pulled out Allen Ginsburg's _Howl_. "Come on, we were just hae'in' a blast with yeh and teh plant! I haeven't read yeh meh interpretation of Ginsburg. Look! 'l saw teh best minds of meh generation destroyed by madness, starvin', hysterical, naked, draggin' 'emselves through teh streets lookin' fae an angry fix, angae'eaded hipsters burnin' up fae teh ancient, heav'ly connection...'"

"I gotta go," Seymour said as he fled into the studio.

In another studio...

"You're watching WSKID," the announcer called. "...And now, _Wink Wilkensen's Weird World_ , with your host, Wink Wilkensen."

A man with a goofy looking face and a tuxedo in a loud red color sat at his chair with a coffee table that looked like a bear that was shot, stuffed, and made into an everyday living room item. "Hi!" he introduced himself, "it's Weird Wink Wilkensen, laughin' and scratchin' at ya. How's everybody today? I got a bit of a stiff neck. Let me just fix this up."

He grabbed an empty oil can, pretended to apply some drops to his neck then twisted his head side to side, along with some sound effects.

"Ahh!" he exclaimed. "That feels a lot better! I got a great show for you tonight with some wonderful _weirrd_ stuff!"

Then Maryse walked by with a turncoat on and flashed her tits (her back to the camera) at him.

"What are you doing here?" he asked. "Please, lady, put your clothes back on! You can't do this to me! This is a family show! What if your husband were to walk in?"

Suddenly, John Morrison stopped by with a toy machine gun. He was dressed like Dick Tracy. "I'm right here, Wink," he said. "I love your show, but I've got to kill you both with this machine gun!"

Then he pointed the toy at them and started making machine gun noises pretending to kill Maryse and Wink. They both made a quick exit backstage as Wink laid on the floor.

"You got me!" he cried, then got up, got in from of the camera before sitting back down. "I feel so very _wweeeeiirrrd_! Our first guest is a young man whom you probably read about in the newspapers who goes by the name of...Seymour Krelborn—Is that correct? He has discovered a new breed of plant unknown on this planet. Seymour Krelborn, everybody!"

The nerdy plant shop worker awkwardly shook his hand then took his seat and placed Audrey II on the table.

"Hello, Seymour!" Wink boisterously greeted him.

Seymour was staring at the cameras as if it was watching him. He had the microphone pointed at his chin as he meekly responded, "Hello, Wink."

"Boy, I wish you folks at home could see this up close. Seymour, where did you get such a _wweeeiirrrdd_ plant?"

Seymour stared at the camera as he gulped and spoke into the microphone, "Well, you remember that total eclipse of the sun about a week ago?"

 _"Da-Doo!"_ The voice of The Urchins sang as Wink raised an eyebrow at the nerd.

**TO BE CONTINUED….**


	4. The Urchins Get Involved Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After missing Seymour on television, The Urchins try to give Audrey an intervention about her shitty date (at the demand of Drew and Heath’s dates).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Trigger warning:** Homophobic and racial slurs, whorephobia, fatphobia.

Back at the flower shop, Mr. Mushnik was watching Seymour on television, and was semi-pleased. "For the love of—Seymour, you could've spruced yourself up a little!" he yelled at the television set. "You look like you got harassed by a couple of long-haired Beatniks!"

 _"And thus we conclude our interview with the young botanical—Mind if I call you a genius?"_ Wink's voice shook the television.

 _"Gosh, no!"_ Seymour cried in awe.

"... _The genius who has discovered this amazing, unidentified plant._ "

"Um, _I'd like to remind our viewers that the Audrey II is on display, exclusively at Mushnik's Skid Row Florists._ "

"The address!" Mr. Mushnik continued yelling.

_"Open seven days a week..."_

"The address!"

_"...That's M-U-S-H-N..."_

"I said, mention the address!"

Then Wink announced before he was to sign off, reading a piece of paper, _"and coming up next, we'll have a live performance from the two members of the Jazz Club from Skid Row Community College—Really? Beatniks? Really? Really?!"_

Mr. Mushnik turned off the television and sighed, "Oh, well. It's still good advertising."

Meanwhile, outside of the shop, the Urchins mysteriously appeared once again as greasers, along with Billie Kay and Peyton Royce as Drew and Heath's girlfriends, respectively. The girls were dressed with their hair ratted, pink jackets with hearts on them. Billie was wearing black Capri pants with red pumps and a black-and-white striped top, while Peyton wore a beehive with cat's-eye glasses, and a skimpy cocktail dress with stiletto heels and fishnet stockings. They all hung out in Heath's car, as Jinder, in a mechanic's uniform, was under the hood fixing the engine. The two boys teased him about how he sucked at fixing cars, especially Heath, who was giving him a hard time about it.

"You're lucky I'm not charging you a dime!" yelled the Indian.

"What's wrong with mah car, man?!" yelled Heath. "You better not wreck it more!"

"I don't know—I just got this job, why don't you have a little patience?!"

"Well, ya sure are doin' a terrific job, Jinder!" The Southern-bred Ginger's voice grew sarcastic.

Jinder started cursing in Punjabi.

Drew and Billie started chewing and popping bubble gum from their mouths when the Scot told Heath, "At least he ain't gettin' married! Or runnin' a grocery store like hes old man!"

"Mind your own business!" scolded Jinder. "I didn't have a choice. My mother was at my case all last week. She was gonna get me a strict mother-in-law to boss me around if I didn't get a job or go study medicine. If I didn't do what she tells me, she was gonna get my father to disown me."

"Oh, pipe down!" Billie whined. "Your old lady wouldn't dare let ya sleep with these bums here on the sidewalk!"

"If you're a towelhead, who sucks at fixin' cars, then yeah," said Heath.

"Fuck you!" yelled Jinder.

"Fuck you!"

"You wish, faggot!"

"No, that's Drew!" The Ginger soon got a headsmacking from the Scotsman in the backseat, leading to more insults.

"Will you two grow up?" Peyton scoffed.

Suddenly, Billie and Drew blew bubbles and popping explosions from their mouths, annoying Heath. "Goddamnit!" he yelled at the two in the backseat. "Will y'all stop poppin' that dagnab gum?!"

"At least I'm doin' somethin' with meh teeth, unlike that yukmouth ye got!" snorted Drew.

"OOH!" cried Jinder.

"Yeah," agreed Peyton, her Australian accent picking up a pitch. "Billie, mate, knock it off, will ya?! You sound like that whore on the corner there!”

Billie responded by chewing with her mouth open, making noises, grossing Peyton out.

Suddenly, Drew held out his left hand towards Heath and asked for a quarter. "Hell naw!" scoffed the Ginger. "Ah ain't supportin' yo’ bubble gum fix! Both of y'all! Ah'm gettin' sick an' tired of the goddamn poppin' an’ blowin' bubbles! Ah just got these seats cleaned after yo' woman left some, an' Ah sat an’ ruined mah Levis! You have a problem, Drew!"

"There's a jukebox in teh alley, ye wanker!"

Heath peered over to the machine glowing in the alley. "Well, why didnya say so? Go on an’ put on a song!"

So the Scot jumped out of the car and walked to the alley where the jukebox was. He placed a quarter into the slot, and picked out a song. He picked out a Motown hit in the form of The Contours' “Do You Love Me”, and re-joined the group mouthing the first spoken lyrics before dancing the Swim.

"Whoo-hoo!" Heath hollered. "Now, that's what Ah’m talking about!"

All of a sudden, The Urchins' and the girls started dancing, not caring about disturbing the bums' slumber, or the block for that matter.

Meanwhile…

As he reached for his coat and hat, Mr. Mushnik heard loud chatter and music from outside. "That does it!" he yelled. "I've had it up to here with those shitty colored-music-Motown-loving, good-for-nothing, _meshuganah_ Urchins!"

He went outside to the source of the music to unplug the racket, but was stopped by the Urchins, who chased him down the block, pissing off Peyton and Billie. The portly Jewish flower shop owner screamed for his life when the Urchins tackled him and gave him the biggest wedgie to take home on the subway to Uptown with him. Drew and Heath went back to their dates, who scoffed and rolled their eyes. Billie popped Drew's bubble from his mouth as Peyton slapped Heath. They weren't going to be satisfied until they act their ages, and they aimed their divalicious glare towards Jinder, who was still fixing the Ginger's car.

Suddenly, Audrey passed by the car, where the Urchins and the girls all noticed her grave appearance, despite her long blonde hair neatly done in a big updo hairstyle. Her arm was in a makeshift sling and she was wearing a sleek cocktail dress. She noticed the flower shop was closed for the night and the only people active this time of night, were the Urchins, Peyton, and Billie. "Did I miss it?" she asked them.

"Yup!" said Drew, putting an arm around Billie, who refused it.

The look on Audrey's face was of sadness and disappointment, and the Urchins registered it right away. "Seymour's first television broadcast," she sighed. "I wanted to see it so bad, I tried to be on time, but—

"Don't tell us!" Jinder said as he pointed the wrench at her. "You got tied up."

"No, just handcuffed a little."

Jinder shook his head in guilt, as Billie and Peyton warned their dates that if they didn't act like gentlemen by helping the battered blonde out, they would get dumped. They also said the same thing to Jinder, who was a witness to this lovers' quarrel. Reluctant, the Urchins followed Audrey to her apartment. "Girl!" Heath yelled for her, causing her to notice the boys circle around her. "Hey, girl! Ah dunno who this mess you been hangin' out with, but he is hazardous to yo' health!"

"That's for sure," sighed Audrey. "But, I can't leave him."

"Why nae?" asked Drew.

"Oh, he'd get angry, and if he does this to me when he likes me, imagine what he'll do if he ever got mad."

They ended up on the stoops to her apartment building.

"So dump the chump!" Jinder suggested. "Get another guy and let him protect you."

"How about that fat bastard with the glasses?" said Heath.

"Seymour?" exclaimed Audrey.

"Aye, that's 'im!" Drew snapped his fingers.

"Oh, we're just friends!" the blonde stammered. "I don't even deserve a sweet, considerate, suddenly successful guy like Seymour."

With that, Audrey shut the door on them, refusing any help whatsoever, even if the Urchins were (forced) trying to be nice boys. "Th' poor lass suffers from low self-image," sighed Drew as he jumped off the stoops.

"You got a point," agreed Heath.

"She's got a problem." Jinder echoed him as they all walked to the car.

**TO BE CONTINUED….**


	5. Somewhere That’s Green

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Audrey dreams of a place far from Skid Row, while Seymour grows anemic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Disclaimer:** I don’t own the lyrics once again, but had to make a slight adjustment to fit life in 1962.

Audrey turned on the lights to her apartment. The living room was her bedroom with a daybed with little furniture and a vanity set next to the window. _"I know Seymour's the greatest,"_ she sang, _"but I'm dating a semi-sadist. So, I've got a black eye, and my arm's in a cast."_

She sat down in the bed, picked up a stuffed beagle and held it in her good arm. _"Still, that Seymour's a cutie,"_ she smiled. " _Well_ , _if_ _not_ , _he's got inner beauty. And, I dream of a place where we could be together at last."_

Then she sat by the vanity table with the stuffed dog and stared dismally into the mirror. She picked up _Better Homes and Gardens_ magazine, and opened to the pages of domestic life, with the last remnants of nuclear family life from the Fifties lingering onto ever page. _"A matchbox of our own,"_ she sang, letting her mind slip onto the magazine, _"a fence of real chain link, a grill out on the patio, disposal in the sink, a washer, and a dryer, and an ironing machine. In a tract house that we share, somewhere that's green."_

And the blonde girl's mind drifted into a suburban gated area away from the grime, the slums, and the poverty that made up Skid Row. The skies were a clear blue and happy. So was the tract house. On the lawn, there was Seymour in nicer clothes. He was mowing the lawn, with Audrey watching him from the window. _"He rakes and trims the grass,"_ she continued singing. _"He loves to mow and weed."_

Then Audrey's stuffed beagle came to life as it walked over to Seymour for a petting. Inside the house, Audrey wore a cream dress in the style of First Lady Jackie Kennedy with red flowers and a red belt. She had her hair up in a beehive like Audrey Hepburn in _Breakfast at Tiffany's. "I cook like Betty Crocker,"_ she sang, " _and I look like Donna Reed."_

She turned to the furniture wrapped in plastic covering and started dusting before picking up a can of Pine-Sol and spraying it in the air. _"There's plastic on the furniture, to keep it neat and clean. In the Pine-Sol scented air, somewhere that's green."_

Then she danced like a ballerina, spinning around before her daydream shifted into a shiny kitchen, where she wore a purple dress with a pink apron. She tasted the frosting on the cake and touched the toaster. Audrey grabbed a plate of mini-sandwiches as she joined a Tupperware party with a bunch of middle-class housewives. She smiled as she turned to water the plants, singing, _"Hmmm-hmmm-hmm-hmm-mmm, somewhere that's green."_

Suddenly, her daydream shifted into the family room where she and Seymour sat on the couch enjoying TV dinners. On the floor sat their future son and daughter, with the boy wearing glasses identical to Seymour's, and the girl having her mother's features. They were watching Andy Griffith telling off Barney Fife.

 _"Between our frozen dinners, and our bedtime, nine-fifteen,"_ she sang. _"We snuggle watchin' Andy on our big, enormous twelve-inch screen. Oh..."_

Then Seymour and Audrey traveled down the hall as Seymour brought a finger to his lips before opening the door to the children's room.

_"I'm his December bride. He's father, he knows best. The kids play Howdy Doody as the sun sets in the west."_

And they descended into their bedroom with twin beds side by side, as Seymour grabbed Audrey's hand and shut the door.

 _"A picture out of_ Better Homes and Gardens _magazine,"_ Audrey sang as she left the comfort of the gated neighborhood into the violent and impoverished-stricken Skid Row by closing the magazine and staring out the window. _"Far from Skid Row, I dream we'll go...somewhere that's green."_

And up on the roof of the apartment building, were the Urchins dancing like the Motown groups in red gospel choir robes. Heath had his strawberry blond hair neatly greased back, and Drew had long hair tied back neatly in a bun, while Jinder was wearing eyeglasses and holding a tambourine. Being a Greek chorus, no one could hear or see them (except the bums on the street when they were drunk). They danced and started to sing, _"Yah yah yah yah, yah yah yah. Yah yah yah yah, yah yah yah. Poor Seymour pushed a broom, nothing in his news but gloom and doom. Then he lit a fuse and give him room. He started an explosion! Holy cow! That thing went, 'bang-ka-boom!' And, he's havin' some fun now."_

Then, they popped up near the bricks of the chimney, screaming, " _Now!"_

 _"Some fun nae!"_ sang Drew.

 _"Hot damn!"_ they echoed him.

 _"Aint he having some fun now?"_ sang Jinder.

_"Yessir!"_

_"He's a-havin' some fun now!"_ Heath sang with a smile.

_"Oh boy, ain't he havin' some fun now?!"_

Suddenly, they all whooped and hollered about as they danced around the rooftop, making noise that only they could hear, and only the bums could see when they were drunk. Then the Scotsman strutted near the edge of the roof as he pointed to the flower shop below screaming, " _Nae!"_

They shifted time foward to October, 1962, where Audrey II was feeding on the blood of Seymour Krelborn.

 _"Some fun now!"_ sang Jinder.

They danced and watched as Seymour became more anemic.

 _"Sho' 'nough!"_ echoed Drew and Heath.

 _"Ain't he havin' some fun now?"_ chimed Heath.

 _"Hot stuff!"_ echoed Drew and Jinder.

Was Audrey II a plant or a parasite?

 _"He's a-hae'in' some fun nae!"_ Drew sang.

 _"Oh boy, ain't he havin' some fun now?!"_ the three shrieked " _Now!"_

 _"Some fun now!"_ sang Jinder.

 _"Good God, good God!"_ they echoed him as Seymour gave Audrey II one measly drop of his own blood.

Did it matter anymore if Seymour was becoming anemic? As long as business was booming, he had no choice.

 _"He's havin' some fun now!"_ sang Heath.

 _"Oh boy, oh boy!"_ the rest echoed.

 _"Aye, he's hae'in' some fun nae!"_ chirped Drew.

_"Oh boy, ain he havin' some fun now?! Some fun now! Some fun now! Some fun now! Some fun now!"_

That morning, the flower shop was busy than ever in the past few weeks. Customers lined up outside and stuffed the small shop pouring money into Mr. Mushnik's pockets. The credit for the sudden success will be given to Seymour discovering Audrey II, who had grown into an almost five-foot-tall behemoth. Its head now resembled a watermelon with human-like lips, and it had huge vines dangling onto the floor and plastered on the walls. People were excited to see this plant and buying out the shop at the same time. With customer service thriving, Mr. Mushnik decided to add delivery service, with Audrey doing flower arrangements and Seymour being the delivery boy.

Just then, Mr. Mushnik was busy at the cash register when one of the telephones rang. "Hello?" he answered, "Yes, Mrs. Shiva. No, Mrs. Shiva. Right away, Mrs. Shiva. Seymour!"

He found the nerd standing weakly amongst the customers. His fingertips were bandaged up, and his skin was pale and drained of the blood that was fed to Audrey II.

"Seymour!" Mr. Mushnik's demanding voice shook him to life. "Did you send Mrs. Shiva's order?"

"Mrs. Shiva?" he cried out. "I forgot!"

Mr. Mushnik was pissed. "You forgot? You forgot! Do you hear this, God? He forgot! Are you listening, customers? He forgot!"

Seymour ran to the back where Audrey was arranging a wedding bouquet. "Quick!" he told her. "We've got to do an emergency arrangement!"

"Birthday? Wedding? Baby?" she asked.

"Funeral."

"Hand me the lilies."

He gave her the white lilies. "Mr. Mushnik's real mad at me. I keep forgetting things."

"Scissors," she chirped as she received the pair of scissors and cut the ends of the flowers. "You got a lot on your mind."

"Mind?" Mr. Mushnik peered his head in. "What mind? The Shivas are our biggest funereal account. A large family, they're dropping off like flies!"

Audrey took a quick glance at the portly Jewish shop owner heading back into the front before dropping the lilies in a vase wrapped with a black ribbon and fanning them apart. "Sometimes, I think Mr. Mushnik's too hard on you. Glue."

Seymour gave her the can of glue and he watched her spray the petals. "That's okay," he sighed. "I owe him everything."

"Glitter."

She received the bag of glitter and threw some at the lilies as Seymour continued, "He took me out of the Skid Row Home for Boys, gave me a warm place to stay, floors to sweep, toilets to clean, and every other Sunday off."

"You know, I think you ought to raise your expectations, now that you're getting successful. I mean, it's clear you suffer from a low self-image, and it's high time you get it fixed. Why don't you go out and do something nice for yourself, like buy some new clothes?"

"I'm a very bad shopper, Audrey. I don't have good taste, like you."

"Well, I could help you pick things out."

Seymour blushed a bit. "You could?"

"Sure."

"You'd go shopping with me?"

"Sure."

"You'd be seen with me in a public place like a department store?"

Audrey smiled. "Sure."

"Tonight?" Seymour was hopeful.

But, that hope made a frown in the blonde's face as she said, "I can't tonight. I got a date."

Suddenly, Audrey's date became the topic of the day again as Mr. Mushnik stepped into the back with his arms folded, giving the Seymour the cue to go and deliver the Shivas' funeral bouquet of lilies. "Again, this date?" he exclaimed, scoffing, "Ha! Some _date!_ A date gives you a corsage, not a multiple fracture! I'm telling you, Audrey, he's not a good, clean kind of boy!"

"He's a professional!" exclaimed Audrey.

Mr. Mushnik couldn't believe what she was saying. "What _professional_ rides a motorcycle and wears a black leather jacket?!"

**TO BE CONTINUED….**


	6. Feed Me, Fella! Feed Me All Night Long!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seymour meets Audrey’s abusive boyfriend, and all the while, his bloodthirsty plant has gained the ability to talk (and sing).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Disclaimer:** I don’t own anything still, tweaked the _Grease_ song a bit.
> 
>  **Trigger Warning:** Sexual assault, mental and physical abuse, sadism, medical malpractice, substance abuse.

Traveling into Uptown was a man with a sadistic smile and slicked back blond hair. He wore a black leather jacket and was riding a Harley Davidson with a sick smile on his face. He sang with his native Ohioan accent, which was rich, yet smooth, _"When I was young and just a bad little kid. My mama noticed funny things I did, like shooting puppies with ah BB gun. I'd poison guppies, and when I was done, I'd find a pussycat an' bash its head! That’s when my mama said..."_

He stopped at this luxurious office complex, letting the bike park by itself as he combed his hair. In front of the building stood the Urchins, magically appearing as doormen, snapping their fingers rhythmically to the beat, mocking Motown again.

"What did she say?" they asked the blond biker.

He danced down the hallway. _"She said, 'My boy, I think someday, you'll find a way to make your natural tendencies pay!'"_

He entered a medical office and slammed the door shut as he took off his leather jacket and goggles to reveal his dentist's scrubs. _"'You'll be a dentist!'"_ he sang so loudly, scaring his patients.

 _"You'll be a dentist!"_ the Urchins echoed him.

 _"'You have a talent for causing things pain!'"_ he empathized the last word by kicking his receptionist Adam Cole in the balls.

_THUD!_

_"Pain!"_

His patients waiting for him were more scared than they were (and wished they could afford health insurance for a better dentist).

_"'Son, be a dentist!'"_

_"Son, be a dentist!"_

He turned to a little girl and made her day by ripping her dolly's head off, making her cry. _"'People will pay you to be inhumane!'"_ he smiled so wickedly.

 _"Inhumane!"_ the Urchins echoed him.

He went into an exam room, where the Urchins appeared in scrubs. He jumped on top of Chad Gable with a set of pliers.

 _"'Your temperament's wrong for the priesthood,'"_ he sang as he twisted the pliers around the guy's mouth, _"'…And teaching would suit you still less! Son, be a dentist. You'll be a success!'"_

The pliers twisted around Chad’s mouth, causing pain. Muffled screams echoed the room, but it only got the Dentist all hot and bothered. Then he went into another exam room to torture another patient, with the Urchins surrounding him.

"Here he is folks, the leader of the plaque!" Jinder chimed with sarcasm.

"Watch 'im suck up that gas, ohmehgod!" Drew cried as the blond dentist inhaled nitrous oxide from a mask, making him smile so widely and grotesque.

"He is a dentist, an' he'll never ever be any good!" scoffed Heath.

"Who wants their teeth done by the Marquis De Sade?" they all chimed in unison as the dentist rudely shot Novocaine up Cesaro’s mouth.

"Ow, that hurts!" cried Cesaro, his eyes widening as the drill approached his mouth, "Wait, I'm not numb!"

"Ehh, shuddup, open wide, here I come!" scoffed the Dentist.

"Ooh," purred Drew as he twirled his ponytail, blushing. "I wanna see, love!"

Heath and Jinder smacked him upside his head.

"He was talking about torturing him with the drill, you horny bastard!" scolded Jinder.

"Oh..."

 _"I am your dentist!"_ The Dentist smiled wickedly as he tortured the bald headed Swiss’ teeth with the drill, the Urchins standing behind him.

 _"Goodness gracious!"_ moaned Cesaro.

_"And I enjoy the career that I picked!"_

_"Love it!"_ the Urchins chimed with sarcasm and mock.

The Dentist then jumped into the hallway, with few of his patients escaping the office as he walked by.

_"I am your dentist!"_

_"That's what you're best at!"_

_"…And I get off on the pain I inflict!"_

_"Really love it!"_

_"I thrill when I drill a bicuspid!"_

_"Bicuspid!"_

_"It's swell, though they tell me I'm maladjusted!"_

_"Dentist!"_

The Dentist entered another exam room, where Drake Maverick was literally on the ceiling crying for his mommy. The Urchins were standing in the corner laughing as the Dentist coaxed Drake down.

_"…And though it may cause my patients distress!"_

_"Distress!"_

_"Somewhere, somewhere in heaven, above me, I know, I know that my mama’s proud of me!"_

He opened the closet to a lighted shrine of his dearly...departed mother. A ghastly sight but the Dentist sighed with his blue eyes wide open. "Oh, mama!" he cried before dancing out of the closet and magically, Santino dropped into the dental chair of doom. _" 'Cause I'm a dentist and a success!"_

_THUD!_

"Say aah!" The Dentist squirted water at Drake’s mouth like a water pistol game at a carnival.

"Gurahhh!" Drake screamed a gurgle.

"Say aah!"

"Gurahhh!"

"Say ahh!"

"Gurahhhh!"

Then the Dentist punched the Englishman in the back. "Now spit!"

* * *

And, Drake spitting water turned into Seymour dumping the dirty vase water at the back of the shop later that night. He heard a high-pitched cackle and the humming of the motorcycle. He stepped back inside when the motorcycle landed in the alley, and the Dentist stepped off, combing his blond hair. He attempted to enter the shop when Seymour stopped him.

"Excuse me, sir, you can't go in there right now," he said.

The Dentist shoved him off as he pulled out a small vial of the gas. "Take a chill pill, buddy. You want some nitrous oxide?"

Seymour shook his head.

"Suit yourself." The Dentist inhaled from the vial and started cackling.

"We're closed."

Just as the Dentist was about to mutilate him, Audrey, with her hair done up in a beehive updo and a tight leopard-print dress with matching shoes, stepped in between the men. "It's all right, Seymour," she introduced him. "This is my date, my boyfriend. Seymour, Dolph Ziggler.”

Dolph, as the Dentist now known as, gave Audrey a deadly glare.

"Uh, DDS," the blonde meekly corrected herself.

Then Dolph’s glare turned into a child-like grin as he patted Seymour on the shoulder. "Hey, I know you! I saw you on TV! I even know your name. Let's see. It's...Cecil. No, no...it's...Cedric."

"No," said Seymour.

"Gimme a chance, will you? It's, uh, Simon?"

"It is Seymour!" cried Audrey.

Suddenly, Dolph glared at her again, "Somebody talking to ya?!” He yelled.

"No. Excuse me."

"Excuse me, _what?_ "

"Excuse me...Doctor." Audrey was almost on the verge of tears.

"That's better." He then turned to Seymour with the same child-like grin. "I know! You're the plant guy, right? That means it must be in there."

He entered the shop and noticed the monstrous appearance, and opened his jaw wide. "That is incredible!" he exclaimed. "The fuck do ya call that thing?"

"Audrey II," responded Seymour.

"Cute name. It's quite catchy. Nice plant. Big."

"Uh, shouldn't we be leaving now?" Audrey meekly announced.

That cause Dolph to turn a heel and attacked her space. "You're quite the little chatterbox, ain't ya?!"

Audrey braced herself against the motorcycle as she shielded him with her arm. "I'm sorry!" she cried.

"Sorry, what?!” Dolph raised his hand toward her, threatening to beat her.

"Sorry, Doctor!” she screamed. “Doctor! Sorry, Doctor!"

Then the dentist smiled and laughed, giving the nerd his business card and patting him on the back, hard. Audrey pushed the motorcycle back onto the path. "You've gotta train these broads, eh, stud? Here’s my card. You ever need a root canal or anything like that, gimme a buzz.” He snapped his fingers at Audrey as she was an obedient house pet, and she followed his call. “It's on the house!” Dolph then turned to Audrey, “You got the handcuffs, babe?"

"They're right in my bag," squeaked Audrey.

Seymour sighed as he went into the shop and watched Audrey and Dolph with the motorcycle across the street. He was disgusted at how Dolph was talking down to Audrey, calling her a slut and yelling at her to fix her hair. _“There are worse things I could do,”_ he sang the (Rizzo from _Grease_ ) blues. _“Then bust his ball…or two, even though Skid Row thinks I’m nerdy and too fat. I suppose it could be true, but there are worse things I can do.”_

He continued to watch Audrey and Dolph bicker across the street and he watched Dolph win each time. _“I could eat a sack of fries,”_ Seymour continued singing as he danced with a broom. _“Salt ‘n pepper, lots of spice! Bathe them up with the Heinz! Make my stomach think it stands a chance. Then refuse to see it through.”_

He sighed as he dropped the broom as dizziness from the anemia began to sink in, and French fries danced in his head. _“That’s a thing I’d never do,”_ Seymour sat down for a bit.

 _“I stay home every ni-ight!!”_ Seymour raised his arms up in the air as he watched Audrey suffer in silence across the street in the rain, putting her purse above her head to protect her beehive up-do. _“Wait around for Mrs. Right! Take cold showers every day and throw my life away, on a dream that won’t come true.”_

Seymour watched Dolph inhale nitrous oxide as he snapped for Audrey to come towards him. _“I could hurt someone like me,”_ he sang. _“Out of spite or jealousy. I don’t steal and I don’t lie! But I can feel and I can cry. A fact I bet you never knew.”_

He watched Dolph and Audrey ride off in the dark streets of Skid Row. He saw Audrey holding on for dear life as Dolph’s nitrous oxide-laced cackle echoed the streets. _“But to cry in front of you, that’s the worst thing I could do-ooh!”_ He sang dismally.

Seymour sighed as he headed back into the shop. "You oughta see the way he treats her, Twoey," he spoke to the surreal plant, stroking the watermelon-looking head. "She deserves a prince, not a sadistic creep like him. The man's a total disgrace to the dental profession. I don't know what's going on, sometimes. Seems like the whole world's going crazy. At least we got each other, right? I'm gonna turn in, Twoey. I'll see you in the morning."

When Seymour locked the door of the shop and lowered the curtain, he heard this:

_THUMMP!_

"Oh, boy," cried Seymour as he saw Audrey II's head lying onto the floor, its leaves and vines withering away. "Here we go again. Come on, I haven't got much left. Give me a few days to heal. We'll start again on the left hand and—

"Feed me…" cried a voice.

The nerd looked around for the source. "I beg your pardon?"

"Feed…me!"

Suddenly, Seymour noticed the plant's lips moving, and he was in shock. "Twoey, you talked!" he cried. "You opened your trap and you said—

The plant emerged back to life and screamed at him with a brogue Irish accent, "Feed me, Krelborn! Feed me now!"

"I can't!"

Twoey slammed its vines onto the floor like a spoiled brat with a meltdown. "I'm starvin'!"

Frantically, Seymour tried to squeeze a few drops of blood onto the plant's giant lips. "Maybe I can squeeze a little more out of this one."

"More!" Twoey panted like a dog. "More! More!"

Seymour pushed the plant away. "There isn't any more! What do you want me to do, slit my wrists?"

"Aaahhh!" Twoey grinned.

"Oh, boy! Look, I've got an idea. I'll pick you up some nice chopped sirloin—

The plant shook its head. "Must be blood."

"Twoey, that's disgusting!"

"Must be _freeessshh!_ "

"I don't want to hear this!"

 _"Feed me!"_ music appeared out of nowhere, and Twoey's voice became a demanding musical tone.

"Does it have to be human?"

_"Feed me!"_

“Does it have to be mine?”

_"Feeeeed meeee!"_

"Where am I supposed to get it?"

 _"Feed me, fella!"_ Twoey sang, waving its leaves about (and it was in key as well, unlike the Urchins). _"Feed me all night long! That's right, lad! Yer can do it! Feed me, fella! Feed me all night long! Ha-ha-ha! 'Cause if yer feed me, fella, I can grow up big and strong!"_

Seymour let out a frustrated sighed as he paced back and forth in the shop. "You eat blood, Audrey II. Let's face it. How am I supposed to keep feeding you? Kill people?"

"I'll make it worth yer while!" purred Twoey.

"What?"

"Yer think this is all coincidence, mate? The sudden success around 'ere? The press cove'age?"

"Look, you're a plant. An inanimate object."

Twoey used its vines to put a chair underneath the nerd, pulling him closer. "Does this look inanimate to yer, punk?! If I can talk and I can move, who's ta say I can't do anythin' I want?"

"Like what?"

"Like deliver, pal. Like, see yer get everythin' your sacred, greasy heart desires."

Seymour fell off the chair and back onto his feet, feeling Twoey's vines.

 _"Would yer like a Cadillac car?"_ The plant sang. _"Or a guest spot on Jack Paar? How 'bout a date with Hedy Lamarr? Yer gonna git it, if yer want it, baby. How'd yer like to be a big wheel? Dinin' out for every meal? I'm the plant that can make it all real. You gonna git it-hmm! I'm ya genie, I'm ya friend, I'm ya willin' slaaave! Take a chance, just feed me and yer know the kinda eats, the kinda red hot treats, the kinda sticky-licky sweets I craaave? Come on, mate, don't be a putz! Trust me and ya life will surely rival King Tut's! Take some initiative, lad! Work up the guts and you'll git it!"_

 _"I don't know!"_ Seymour sang against the peer pressure.

"Come on, fella!"

_"I don't know-oohh!"_

"Lighten up!"

_"I have so, so many strong reservations!"_

"Tell it to the Marines!"

And Seymour stared into the mirror and to the knife next to the cut flowers. _"Should I go and perform mutilations?"_

Twoey snorted and laughed. "Yer ain't had nothin', till yer met me. Come on, fella, what will it be? Money? Girls? One particular girl? How 'bout that _Audddrey?_ Think it over. There must someone yer could eighty-six real quiet-like and get me some lunch!"

Then it waved its vines and sang, _"Think about a room at the Ritz! Wrapped in velvet, covered in glitz! A little nookie gonna clean up yeh zits, you'll git it!"_

The nerd smiled brightly in thought. _"Gee, I'd like a Harley machine."_

"There yer go, fella!"

_"Cruisin' around like I was James Dean!"_

"Yeah, yeah, yeah!"

_"Makin' all the guys on the corner turn green."_

_"So go git it, woo, woo, woo! And if you wanna be profound—If yer really gotta justify, take a breath and look around. A lot of folks deserve to dieeee! Ha-hah-hah!"_

"Wait a minute!" Seymour shut its mouth. "That's not a very nice thing to say!"

"But it's true, ain't it?" The plant smiled.

"I don't know anyone who deserves to get chopped up and fed to a hungry plant!"

Twoey snickered as it brought the nerd to the front window, as they heard a motorcycle roar. "Sure yer do, fella!"

Outside, in the dark streets, Dolph jumped out of the motorcycle and let it park by itself. He was livid! His hair was a mess, and he was off his nitrous oxide high. He bellowed onto the streets, "Stupid woman! Christ, what a friggin’ scatterbrain!"

Audrey, with her hair also a mess and her clothes dirty, tried to run down the sidewalk in her heels. She limped passed the Urchins, who mysteriously appeared near the alleyway as greasers. "I'm sorry, Doctor!" she cried as Drew whispered into Heath's ear in worry while Jinder shook his head and cursed in Punjabi. "I'm sorry, Doctor!"

"Falls of the motorcycle!"

Audrey approached the door to her apartment building, jingling her keys to her broken abode. "I'm clumsy, Doctor! I'm clumsy!"

They both got inside as the blonde frantically tried to get the door to her apartment unlocked, but Wade was growing impatient, and was ready to strike. "Messes my hair!" he yelled at her. "Get the fucking door open, ya little slut!"

"I'm trying, Doctor! I'm trying!"

They finally got inside, and Seymour and the plant could see their silhouettes from the window adjacent to theirs.

"Get the Vitalis!" Dolph yelled. "Quick, the Vitalis!"

"I'm out of it!" cried Audrey.

"What?!"

All of a sudden, the nerd and the plant could see Dolph punching Audrey in the face, shaking her petite body aggressively, and threw her, probably on her daybed. When Seymour saw Dolph taking his pants off and raping the poor girl, he had enough. _"If you want a rationale,"_ he and the plant sang in passion, _"it isn't very hard to see, no, no, no, no! Stop and think it over, pal! The guy sure looks like plant food to me. The guy sure looks like plant food to meee, ooohhh, whoa, whoa!"_

 _"He's so nasty, treating her rough!"_ yelled Seymour.

 _"Smackin' her 'round and always talkin' so tough,"_ Twoey agreed.

_"You need blood, and he's got more than enough!"_

_"I need blood and he's got more than enough!"_

Seymour stomped his feet to the rhythm of the beat, and Twoey followed by thumping his plant pot along.

_"You need blood, and he's got more than enough!"_

_"I need blood and he's got more than enough!"_

_"You need blood, and he's got more than enoughhhh!"_

"So go git it, fella!" ordered Twoey.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**


	7. Tonight’s Special: A Sadistic Dentist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dolph Ziggler meets his maker in the form of his nitrous oxide addiction and a hungry plant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Trigger warning:** Masochism, torture, blood, vore.

The next afternoon, was the usual day of torture at Dolph's office. On a chair in the waiting room, a meek little man with dirty blond hair and a scruffy beard wearing a suit flapped his legs and squealed in delight at the scream of one of Dolph's patients in the exam room. Adam passed by the room rolling her eyes as the screams and the dental drill echoed the hallway. All he cared about was the lines of cocaine he was snorting up his nose. The man stopped and asked her excitedly, "Are they finished? My turn?"

Adam growled as he pointed the chair, "Sit!"

The man sat back down but got back up as a child in a metal prison attached to his teeth and face exited the room with his grandmother moaning. "Hey!" the man wanted to know. "What did he do? Tell me everything!"

All the child did was scream about Dolph's torture, for his jaw was imprisoned by the metal contraption.

"They have to do that to remove the jaw," the man explained.

The child continued screaming.

"Consider yourself very, very lucky."

As they left the dental office, Dolph stepped out and bellowed, "Next!"

The man screamed, standing on the chair. "It's me, Arthur Denton! I'm next!"

Adam was this close to leaving when the blond dentist screamed, "Nurse!"

"What?!" Adam scoffed in disgust as he was inches away from the door.

Dolph pointed to the man, an eyebrow raised. "Does that goat face have an appointment?"

Arthur scoffed as he muttered to himself. "I do not have a goat face!"

"Ask it, I'm off duty." Adam said as he slammed the door in Dolph's face.

"I'm gonna fire that cokehead sonofabitch!" he muttered. "Beating him won't do me any good! He’s got mobster friends!"

Arthur jumped from his seat so excitedly. "I've been saving all month for this!" he beamed. "I think I need a root canal. I'm sure I need a long, slow root canal."

Dolph forced his mouth open yanking his beard and took a peek at it. "Let's go!" he barked as he entered into another exam room.

"I have a history of dental problems." Arthur followed him.

"SHUDDUP!"

Arthur sighed. "Yes, Doctor."

In the exam room, Arthur made himself...at the Dentist's office by sitting on the chair, stuffing his mouth with cotton gauzes, and setting up the chair and the instruments, including the light as he told the sadistic dentist a story. "I went to a terrible dentist Wednesday, who was recommended to me by somebody I saw Monday, who's the brother of a man I usually see Sundays."

Dolph rolled his eyes as he spat in the filling jar before mixing it. "Their mother taught them everything they know," Arthur continued. "She's gifted, but elderly. People think she shouldn't be working. I go to her because I'm just incredibly devoted to her strength. She can't really see who you are, but she knows the sound of your voice. If you tell her where it is, the problem, she eventually finds it and she does it. I wish I had that stamina. I can only go so long. That's how I want to be. I don't ever want to have to be just—

Suddenly, Dolph lowered Arthur's chair and hovered over him. "Comfy?" he asked him, the sadistic tone in his mouth aroused him more.

"Yes, Doctor," he responded, then continue on with the story. "I remember the first time I went to a dentist. I thought, 'What a neat job! If only I were a dentist.' The dentist I went to had the greatest car. He had a Corvette. Everybody calls him 'Doctor' and he's not really a doctor."

Dolph wasn't paying attention, as he was busy picking out the dental torture devices. Arthur stared at one that the blond dentist picked up. "Oh, my God!" he cried as he rose up from his seat and bumped into the exam light. It was turning him on. He couldn't wait. He just couldn't.

"I got out of there okay," he rambled on, almost passing out at the ghastly sight of the dental tool. "but after it was all finished they gave me a candy bar. I thought, 'I get a candy bar?' You go through that and get chocolate. You work with incredible professionals, using incredibly wonderful equipment—

Then Dolph jumped on top of the small man and pointed the torture device at him. "Let's take ah look at 'hat mouth. Say, 'Aaah.'"

Arthur squealed like a child in a candy store or like a gay teen having sex in a dirty motel for the first time. "Ahhhh!" he screamed.

As Dolph tortured Arthur in the exam room, Seymour snuck in the office with a small pistol. He clumsily stuffed it into his pocket and looked around. Good thing Adam left for the day, and there were no other patients waiting. So he sat there anxiously. He could hear the moans and screams flowing down the hallways.

_"Yes!"_

_"Yes!"_

_"Yes! Candy bar! Candy bar! Candy bar! Doo-doo-doo-duh-duh!"_

_"Yeah, great!" Arthur was high on the pain. "You are something special. You are something special!"_

The drills and the torture devices that Dolph had in his hand were turning him on.

"Thank you! Thank _youuuu!_ It's your professionalism that I respect. Don't stop, Doc! Don't stop!"

Dolph had this childlike grin on his face as he grabbed Arthur's tongue with the pliers. "Come on!" he yelled. "More! What do you want? Say, 'Please!' Uh-ah! Uh-ah! I'm gonna get a candy bar!"

In the waiting room, Seymour was quite getting disgusted at the somewhat sexualized sounds coming from the hallways.

_"Candy bar! Candy bar! I'm gonna get a candy bar! Yes! Yes! Yes!"_

"I'm gonna get a candy bar!" Arthur moaned so grotesquely as he wrapped his leg around Dolph's waist. "I'm gonna get a candy bar!"

All of a sudden, Dolph had to stop drilling, for he had felt something poking his thigh: Arthur's erection.

"Yes! Whoa!" screamed Arthur. "Yes!"

Dolph climbed off of the man. He felt so dirty, so defeated. He never in his life had a patient that was so masochistic "Get out!" he snarled.

"What's wrong?" asked Arthur, spitting out the gauzes.

"Get outta here!"

"What's the matter?"

"Go on! Get the fuck out!”

Back in the waiting room, Seymour heard silence, then watched Dolph shoving Arthur out the door. "Right this way!" yelled the blond dentist.

"I'm gonna tell each and every one of my friends about you," beamed Arthur at the door.

"Get outta here!" Dolph noticed one of his dental tools in Arthur's pocket. "What’s this?!”

"Oops, hahahahah!" giggled Arthur. "Sorry!"

Dolph slammed the door shut. "Goddamn sicko!"

He was going to walk to one of the exam room when he noticed Seymour and turned on his heels. "Let me ask you somethin'!" he pointed the tool at the nerd. "Does this scare you?!"

"Yes," he replied meekly.

"Would ya like it if I took this and made it straight for your goddamn incisors?"

"No!"

"It'd hurt, right? You'd scream, right?!"

Seymour nodded frantically.

"Well, get your ass in here!" Dolph shoved him to one of the exam rooms and shoved him to the chair. "Say, don't I know you?"

"Yeah, Seymour Krelborn. We met yesterday."

Suddenly, Dolph grabbed his mouth and opened it. "Your mouth's a mess, son. That wisdom tooth. We'll rip that bugger right outta there. What do you say?"

"No!" Seymour tried to free himself from the chair.

"There's always time for dental hygiene. You ever seen the results of a neglected mouth?"

He showed him a picture of a wolverine with a fucked-up mouth. Why hasn't he gotten sued yet?

"Look, Seymour," he continued. "This could happen to you…unless I take immediate action!"

He pulled out an antique drill, and like a spindle, he tapped the lever with his foot to get the drill going. "What's that?" cried Seymour at the weathered look of the drill.

"The drill," said Dolph.

"It's rusty!"

"It's an antique. They don't make 'em like this anymore. Sturdy...heavy...dull." He was this close to ruining Seymour's mouth. "I'm gonna want some gas for this."

"Thank God," sighed Seymour. "I thought you weren't gonna use any."

Dolph cackled as deeply as he petted his head. "The gas ain't for you, Seymour," he said. "It's for me. You see, I wanna really enjoy this. In fact, I'm gonna use my special gas mask!"

He placed the laughing gas tank on his back, and placed a weird-looking mask over his face as Seymour reached for the pistol in his pocket. "You see, Seymour, I find a little giggle gas before I begin," Dolph continued. "It increases my pleasure enormously."

He turned to face the nerd, who gave him a disgusted look. "Here we go!" the blond dentist chirped as he turned on the nozzle, breathed deeply into the gas and let a silky deep-sounding cackle. "Oh, Seymour, I'm flyin'! The things I'm gonna do to that mouth!"

He picked up the drill as he attempted to attack Seymour's mouth, but the nitrous oxide took over his body as he laughed, and laughed. He turned the wolverine picture back on, then laughed at it. It gave Seymour time to jump out of the chair and point the gun at the sadistic dentist.

Dolph turned around and stared at him in disbelief, still laughing off the oxygen in his body. "What the hell is 'hat?" he cried. "A gun? Hahahahaha! The kid's gotta goddamn revolver! Hahahahah! I'm in trouble now, eh?"

Seymour could end it right now, but he couldn't bring himself to kill him. The laughing gas was doing it for him as it took over Dolph, traveling to his brain. "Wait till I turn this gas off," moaned Dolph, as he coughed out blood.

He reached for the nozzle in the back, but it broke, sealing his fate. "Uh-oh!" he said. "Gimme a hand, would you?" he reached for Seymour, but he collapsed on the floor, suffocating. "No, I guess you wouldn't, would ya? Hahahahahah! I could asphyx—ahahaha! I could asphyx—

The blond dentist was laughing death from his body, coughing more blood. "The hell I ever done to you?" he asked Seymour, hoping for a last rite.

"Nothing," Seymour said as he put the gun back into his pocket. "It's what you did to her."

"Her who?"

Seymour gave him a cold stare, and Dolph suddenly knew who he was referring to.

"Oh, her…" Finally, Dolph succumbed to the gas, and Seymour just stared at his corpse as the small balloons in the mask deflated.

* * *

An hour later, he dragged the sadistic dentist’s body in a bag from the elevated train station all the way to the flower shop, carefully not to wake the homeless. He opened the door to a waiting, and hungry Audrey II. Its mouth was dripping. Dinner was going to be served, but there was no way it was eating Dolph whole. "Chop it up!" It barked.

"What?" Seymour cried after all that hard work.

"Feed me!" The plant's brogue Irish accent thickened with impatience as one of its vines threw a glass vase at Seymour, but missed him and hit the wall, shattering it. "Ya think I'm fuckin' 'round wit yer, fella?! Now git the hell outta here!"

"Okay, okay! I'll chop him up for you!" Seymour dragged the body down to his basement home. "Brother. I wonder if it's been drinking. I smell Guinness on its breath!”

He tried to find something to cut with, but to no avail. Then, Seymour went outside and bumped into the Urchins. "Well, well, well!" chirped Heath. "Look who it is, y'all. The overnight celebrity sensation, Seymour Krelborn."

Jinder blocked Seymour's path. "Is it true that you got invited to have dinner with the President?"

"Really, Jinder? Where'dya hear that?"

"On the radio this morning. He even invited the plant!"

"Really?" asked Drew.

"I-ah, don't mean any trouble, guys," stammered Seymour. "I don't have much to give you—

"We ain't gonna hurt ya or nothin', right, guys?" said Heath.

"Aye," said Drew. "We're all neighbors...when we feel like it! Example, teh guise and I are havin' a get-together at meh house tonight! Yeh more than welcome teh join us."

"Thank you, but—

"Come on, Seymour!" the Southern-bred Ginger snaked an arm around the nerd's shoulder. "Ya wouldn't turn an invitation down to hang out with us for one night, much like an invitation to eat with JFK at the White House. Drew even has a TV set in his bedroom!"

"Ooh, we could watch _Sidney Sanders_!" cried Jinder, getting weird looks from his friends.

"We're nae watchin' that damn shae!" yelled Drew.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	8. Look at Me, I’m Seymour Dee!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seymour hangs out with The Urchins at Drew’s house, _Grease_ -Style!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Trigger Warning:** Fatphobia, racial slurs.

Reluctantly, Seymour accepted the invitation on the condition that he had to borrow an ax. At Drew's house, the boys were all relaxing on Drew's bed watching television. Drew was wearing a white tank top, navy-blue slippers on his feet, and blue briefs. He sat on the bed cross-legged brushing his long, dark brown hair. Heath was lying on the bed, wearing a black t-shirt with pinstriped pajama pants. Jinder was wearing a one-piece pajama suit and jumped in front of the television as his favorite commercial came on. "Hey, look, it's Jinder!" cried Drew as Seymour turned to watch Jinder.

 _"Brusha, brusha, brusha,"_ Jinder sang along with the commercial jingle, dancing away. _"Get the new Ipana with the brand-new flavor! It's dandy for your tee-th!"_

As Drew pulled his long, dark brown hair into a ponytail chewing bubblegum, he and Heath exchanged glances, giggling as Jinder made a fool out of himself, embarrassing Seymour. _"Brusha, brusha, brusha!"_ The Indian continued. _"New Ipana toothpaste! Brusha, brusha, brusha, knocks out decay germs fast! Fast! Fast sure are—_

Suddenly, Jinder was cut off by Drew's slipper and Heath's sock monkey getting thrown at him. "Put a sock in it, goddamnit!" yelled Heath. "Every time that toothpaste commercial comes on!"

Jinder cursed in Punjabi as he threw the sock monkey and the slipper back at them.

"Turn teh telly off!" said Drew, still chewing gum and blowing out a bubble. "Anyone want some reefer?"

"Ooh!" the two other Urchins cried. "Yeah!"

The Scotsman climbed over the Ginger on the bed, reached under, and pulled out a shoebox. "I rolled this one last night," he purred, pulling out a white blunt. "Who wants teh start?"

"Give it to our guest of honor!" said Heath.

Seymour raised his hands. "No thanks!" he stammered. "I don't do drugs."

"Aw, try it!" whined the Scotsman. "It ain't gonna kill ye! I'll light it up fae ye."

Seymour hesitantly grabbed the joint, and Drew lit it up for him. He took a drag and started coughing (worse than Dolph before he died!). "Oh, yeah!" warned Heath. "Ya shouldn't inhale unless you're used to it."

Drew grabbed the joint from the nerd and chirped, "Look, Seymour, lemme teach ye this trick."

He took a drag, then blew out a bubble with the smoke inside it before it popped. The small marijuana smoke cloud traveled towards Heath, smacking him into coughing. "Drew!" the Ginger yelled as Jinder laughed. "Was that necessary, man?!"

"Meh bad!"

"God, that is the ugliest thing I ever seen," scoffed Jinder. "Still funny, though."

"Thanks, Drew! Now mah mouth tastes like Bazooka gum and reefer!" Heath continued coughing as he grabbed the joint from Drew and took a drag. "Gimme it! You're fuckin' up the rotation."

He passed the joint over to Jinder before jumping off the bed to grab a giant paper bag. He pulled out a large bottle of very expensive wine. Drew was worried about the marijuana fogging his bedroom, so he quickly opened the window to air out the smoke.

"That's a good idea," said Seymour.

"Drew's parents may be rich, but they're more stricter than my own!" cried Jinder.

"They're so strict, it feels like jail in 'ere sometimes!" explained the Scotsman, who then lit up some lavender-scented incense Jinder brought from home, "I hae teh hide teh reefer and teh Playboy, so they won't knae, or else they'll send meh back teh Scotland teh live with meh Aunt Agatha until I 'get meh act together'—they nae'er let meh live meh life!"

Just then, Heath raised the bottle with a grin. "Okay, how 'bout a little sneaky pete to get the partay goin'?!" he exclaimed as he took a gulp of the alcohol before passing it to Jinder.

The Indian drank his share and stared at the bottle. "Italian Swiss Colony!" he read the label.

Drew grabbed the bottle and took a giant swig. "Wow, it's imported!" he cried.

Suddenly, Jinder grabbed a medium size paper bag. "Hey, I brought some Twinkies," he offered.

Drew stared at him oddly. "Twinkaes and wine?" he snorted. "That's real class, Jinder."

The Indian grabbed the bottle from the Scotsman. "Says right here, it is a _dessert_ wine!"

As he was about to take another swig of the alcohol, with the Twinkie in his mouth, Heath snatched it away and yelled, "Hey, quit hoggin' all the wine! Seymour didn't get any!"

"Oh, I don't mind," stammered Seymour.

"You ever drank before?" asked Jinder.

"No."

"Ring-a-ding-ding!" They all exclaimed.

"There's always a first time fae everythin'!" Drew chimed as Heath gave the nerd the wine bottle. "What's wrong? We don't hae cooties."

"Yeah, drink up!" cried Jinder.

Seymour then took a small gulp of the wine, then suddenly felt queasy. Heath grabbed his face toward him and blurted, "Say, you gotta ugly blemish on yo' cheek here! Ya wouldn't want that when you're havin' supper with the President, would ya? Lemme pop it!"

"Heath, what the hell are you doing?!" Jinder scolded. "You don't pop someone's blemish with your dirty, bare hands! You'll create more blemishes!"

"Fine!" scoffed the Southern-bred Ginger. "Drew, you got somethin' Ah could bust it with? Yo' mama got needles in her sewin' kit?"

The Scotsman loaned him a small piece of jewelry. "'Ere, use meh kilt pin," he said.

"Well, it's nice to know it's good for something," snorted Jinder.

Drew grabbed the Indian by his pajama suit. "What's that crack supposed teh mean?!"

"Cool it, man! I was just teasing ya!"

"Tease someone else! This is meh house!"

"Heath," pleaded Seymour as Heath poked his zit with the kilt pin. "You sure it's sterile? I don't think—Ow!"

Drew slapped his forehead as he hissed at Heath, "Heath, take 'im into teh bathroom, fae crissakes! Meh mum will kill meh if I get teh carpet dirty!"

The ginger scoffed and gave the Scot a cold glare as he took Seymour into the bathroom. Drew rolled another blunt and passed it to Jinder before grabbing a Twinkie and taking a bite of it for the first time in his life. He took another swig of the wine and was amazed at how the wine went well with the crème-filled sponge cake.

"Seymour, Seymour," the boys heard Heath in the bathroom, "it'll only take a second, all Ah’m gon' do is—

"AAAHHH!" A blood-curdling scream exited onto the bedroom.

Abruptly, Heath stuck his head out from the bathroom door. "Could y'all please get me some ice so ah can numb his face?"

"Why don't ye run teh cold water, then stick hes face under teh faucae?" Drew responded, rolling his eyes.

"Oh!"

Drew grabbed the joint from Jinder as he walked to the closet, only to come out wearing a silk turquoise kimono over his sleepwear. "Personaely, I'm gettin' rather chilly!"

Jinder's eyes widened at the luxurious garment. "Your parents went to Japan?" he asked him.

"Oh, I got this from a friend in teh mail."

"You're writing to a Jap?"

"Nae, dumbarse! He's a sailor!"

"A sailor? Get out!"

"Yeah, he's stationed in Yokosuka. Wanna see a picture?"

The Scotsman grabbed a picture wallet full of his "friends", and pointed to the one next to Montgomery Clift. "You're turning into a One-Man, Scottish U.S.O., Drew!" exclaimed the Indian. "What's his name, anyway?"

"Frederico." Drew smiled as he secretly twirled his ponytail.

"Oh, one of those Guidos!"

"Nae, he's a Spic. That's teh only picture I hae when he's nae in uniform."

"I didn't know Spics can join the Navy." Jinder pulled out the photograph and pointed to the tear. "Hey, how come it's all torn up?"

"Hes old girlfriend was in teh picture."

Just then, Heath came out of the bathroom with an awkward look on his face as he passed Drew his kilt pin. "Hey, you guys...Seymour's sick. As soon as ah popped that zit, he saw the blood an' _blech_!"

Drew rolled his eyes. He had enough of Seymour's presence. He pulled out a pair of his reading glasses from his desk drawer and placed them on before standing by a tall mirror brushing the small tangles from his ponytail. He grabbed a pillow and stuffed it under his tank top. Then Heath opened the door to the bathroom and asked Seymour if he was okay.

"Yeah, thanks, Heath," said Seymour. "I'm sorry to be so much trouble."

"Oh, it's okay."

"OOH!" growled Drew as he continued to fix his hair and blowing another pink bubble from his mouth. "That little buzzkill makes meh wanna barf!"

Then the Scot started to sing, mocking Seymour with the glasses, holding his makeshift belly, and twirling his ponytail, _"Look at meh, I'm Seymour Dee. Lousy with obesity, won't go teh bed till I'm actually fed. I can't, I'm Seymour Dee!"_

He climbed on the bed, shoving Jinder off, and doing the sign of the cross. _"Watch it! Hey, I'm Doris Day. I was nae brought up that wae."_

Heath and Jinder found some old glasses without the lenses, and joined Drew in the fun by standing on the bed. _"Won't come across!"_ Drew sang as he pretended to hit a home run. _"Even Rock Hudson lost..."_

 _"His heart to Doris day-ay!"_ sang Heath and Jinder as Drew skipped off the bed to a chair.

 _"I don't drink,"_ he said, batting his eyes through his reading glasses, blowing another pink bubble and popping it.

"No!" Heath and Jinder cried in mock shock.

_"Or swear."_

"No!"

 _"I don't wash meh hair."_ Drew stared at his ponytail, mocking Seymour's greasy hair.

"Ew!"

_"I get ill from Mary Jane!"_

The three Urchins started faking a cough. Then, Drew punched the large Bobo the Clown doll, and screamed (while Heath and Jinder gyrated their hips), _"Keep yeh filthy paws off meh hamburgers! Would ye pull that crap with Annette?"_

Gracefully, Drew climbed back on top of the bed and posed next to a taped picture of Elizabeth Taylor, while the Southern-bred Ginger and the Indian laid on their stomachs with glasses covering their faces. _"As fae ye, Elizabeth,"_ he sang, _"I knae what ye wanna do."_

Then, Heath and Jinder ended on their back, spreading their legs in an obscene manner, as Drew did a lusty pelvic thrust as he sang, _"Yeh've got yeh crust. I'm nae object o'lust!"_

 _"I'm just plain Seymour Dee!"_ they all sang before letting out a drunken cackle.

Suddenly, Heath and Drew screamed so mockingly as they posed next to a picture of Elvis Presley. _"Elvis!"_ sang Drew as Heath did Elvis' dance. _"Elvis! Let meh beh! Keep that pelvis far from meh! Just keep yeh cool. Nae, yeh startin' teh droo-ool!"_

All of a sudden, Seymour popped out of the bathroom, catching the Urchins making fun of him. Heath took off the glasses as a blush painted his face, while Jinder felt sick to his stomach.

 _"Hey, fungu, I'm Seymour Dee!"_ Drew continued, being oblivious.

Heath and Jinder pointed the Scotsman to Seymour and yelled at him to take off his glasses.

"You're making fun of me, Drew?" Seymour asked him, folding his arms.

All Drew did was scoff and took off his glasses and pillow from undeneath his shirt. "Some people are so touchy," he said sarcastically as he grabbed an ax from the closet and kicked Seymour out of his room, and his house. "Ye knae what? I've enough of ye! Take teh bloody ax, and get teh fuck outta meh house!"

"But—

"OUT!" Drew's Scottish accent grew thicker.

"You can't—

Drew threw Seymour his jacket then used his anger to—

_SLAMM!_

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	9. Dolph meets the Tooth Fairy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A parody of Frenchie meets the Teen Angel from _Grease_ , this time Dolph Ziggler meets the Tooth Fairy (In the form of John Cena). Read as to how became plant food.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Trigger warning:** Dismemberment of a corspe, gore, and blood.

Later in the evening, in his basement apartment below the plant shop, Seymour began to work on chopping Dolph's body. He wrapped newspapers around his body to prevent blood splattering his clothing. He raised the ax high, then…

_WHOOOCCKK!_

_WHOOOCKK!_

_WHOOOCCK!_

It was beginning to storm as Mr. Mushnik exited the elevated train station. He had forgotten something from the shop and when he just about to unlock the door, he noticed a shadowy figure holding an ax. It led to Seymour's basement, and he saw the shadow lowering the ax down violently, creating a splattering chopping sound. It was similar to how a butcher cuts meat, but it was more sickening. Horrified, Mr. Mushnik stuffed the keys in his pocket and ran for his life.

Back at the shop, Seymour fed Audrey II newspaper covered body parts of the dearly departed Dolph Ziggler, DDS. The last body part was his head as he tossed it into the plant's mouth like a basketball. Audrey II cackled as it slurped and belched. "Now, how about a pint, fella?" he asked.

* * *

Into the depths of Purgatory, Dolph fell, and he fell, body parts and all. He ended up inside a malt shop and put himself together. Literally. He sat inside of a white booth and screwed his head back into place. He couldn't believe he could actually do that. He couldn't ever do it, he'd have to be-

"I can't be dead!" he cried. "If I were dead, I'd see one of those fucking angels telling me what to do."

Suddenly, the formerly blond dentist heard a harp-like sound from out of nowhere, then a flashing light. He turned around and saw a man in a dentist’s uniform with fairy wings. Surely, that wasn’t St. Peter, and he wasn’t in Heaven.

 _"Your story's sad to tell,"_ he began singing, _"a dental ne'er-do-well. Most sadistic little bitch on the block. Your future's so unclear now, what's left of your career now? Can't even get a trade-in on your smileeee!"_

Then, the room lit up and on the side of the stairs were three molars, a giant toothbrush, and a dental mirror dancing. At the bottom of the stairwell behind them were the Urchins. Drew was on the right, Heath and Jinder were on the left. They were back in their Dental School uniforms, with Jinder wearing a white turban, Heath’s hair in a crew-cut, and Drew had his hair half up, with the rest of his dark brown locks in tousled curls.

They sang their la-la-las, helping the angel taunt Dolph and moving like the doo-wop groups.

 _"Psychopath dentist, no certification for you,"_ The Tooth Fairy gracefully walked down the stairs. _"Miserable ass, should've been slapped with a lawsuit. Well, at least you could have taken time to wash and clean your clothes up..."_

As The Tooth Fairy sang, the Urchins mocked Dolph's laughing gas addiction. _"After spending all that dough on that goddamn nitrous oxide!"_ the fairy continued. _"Baby, get moving!"_

 _"Better get moving,"_ sang the Urchins.

_"Why keep putting Audrey in a cast? What are you proving?"_

_"What are you proving?"_ echoed the Urchins as they and the dental objects danced.

Dolph was bewildered that he was getting made fun of, his mouth dropped.

 _"You had the dream, but not the heart. If you go for your nose job, you could do a porno flick,"_ The Tooth Fairy ended up on the floor, between the Urchins as they did obscene pelvic thrusts before dancing off the stairs and onto the floor around Dolph. _"Turn in your dental drill and go straight down to Hell."_

The Urchins la-la-la'ed again as they joined the teeth before crowding around the booth where Dolph was sitting in, pissed off. "Get away from me!" he yelled, almost reaching out to hit Heath, who stuck his tongue out.

For being a Greek chorus, the only thing Heath, Jinder, and Drew lack in is self-control. Also, they're getting better at getting into people's minds.

 _"Psychopath dentist,"_ The Tooth Fairy continued berating him.

 _"Psychopath dentist,"_ echoed the Urchins.

The Tooth Fairy was all up in Dolph's face as the blond pressed his back against the booth. _"Hanging around Skid Row...sick little fucker,"_

 _"Sick little fuckkkeerrr!"_ echoed the Urchins as they popped up and helped the angel, the teeth, and dental objects in invading their spaces. _"Whoo-oooh-oohhh-ooh..."_

_"It's about time you knew the score!"_

_"Whoo-oooh-oooohh!"_

_"Your mom didn't teach you anything. You think you're such a looker."_

_"Oooohh-ooooh-ooohh!"_

Dolph's blue eyes brightened with shock. He couldn't beat them all up.

 _"But no pati-ent would go to you, unless they were a junkie!"_ The Tooth Fairy sang with a smirk.

Jinder's mouth dropped as Drew and Heath stared at each other before laughing at Dolph. The former dentist gave the Tooth Fairy a questionable look.

 _"Baby, don't sweat it,"_ sang the Tooth Fairy.

 _"Don't sweat it!"_ echoed the Urchins, who magically appeared across the table from Dolph.

_"You're not cut out for root canals!"_

_"Whoop-oop-oop!"_

_"Better forget it!"_

_"Forgeeettt it!"_

_"Who wants their teeth checked by a slob?"_

_"Whoop-oop-oopp!"_ The Urchins swayed back and forth.

 _"Now your hair is greased, your tan’s too fake, and still the world is cruel,"_ The Tooth Fairy continued, resting his hands on the Urchins' shoulders. _"Wipe off that pretty face and go straight down to Hell."_

The Urchins continued humming through their concealed as they tried to remain professional, doing their Motown moves. Just then, Dolph took out the vial of laughing gas and attempted to sniff it before The Tooth Fairy slapped him across the face.

"Stu-ppid!" cried Jinder.

"See, that's how you got yo' ass eaten by the plant!" yelled Heath.

"Nae ye gettin' smacked 'round like teh little pussy that ye are!" added Drew.

Dolph was extremely livid now. He tried to fight the Scotsman, only to get pushed back by a magical force. "I dare you to say it to my face one more time, asshole!" he yelled.

 _"Baby don't blow it,"_ The Tooth Fairy shook his head as he sang back to the stairwell as the Urchins remained at the table by Dolph doing their taunting Motown moves. _"Don't put my good advice to shame. Baby, you know it, even Dear Abby'd say the same. Now, I've called the shot, get off the pot! I really gotta fly. Gotta be goin' to that big tooth in the sky!"_

As the Tooth Fairy ascended the stairs, the molars, toothbrush, and dental mirror danced around him back to their original positions at the side of the stairwell. _"Psychopath dentist,"_ he sang.

 _"Psychopath dentist!"_ sang the Urchins, staying at the table.

_"...Go straight down to Hell. Insecure sadist..."_

_"Insecure sadiiissst!"_

_"...Go straight down to Hell. Psychopath dentist..."_

_"Psychopath dentist!"_

_"...Go straight down to Hell!"_

_"Shahhh-ahhhh-la-la-laaa!"_

Then, the harp sounds echoed as the room, along with Dolph, disappeared into the unknown darkness.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	10. Dolph meets the Tooth Fairy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A parody of Frenchie meets the Teen Angel from _Grease_ , this time Dolph Ziggler meets the Tooth Fairy (In the form of John Cena). Read as to how became plant food.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Trigger warning:** Dismemberment of a corspe, gore, and blood.

Later in the evening, in his basement apartment below the plant shop, Seymour began to work on chopping Dolph's body. He wrapped newspapers around his body to prevent blood splattering his clothing. He raised the ax high, then…

_WHOOOCCKK!_

_WHOOOCKK!_

_WHOOOCCK!_

It was beginning to storm as Mr. Mushnik exited the elevated train station. He had forgotten something from the shop and when he just about to unlock the door, he noticed a shadowy figure holding an ax. It led to Seymour's basement, and he saw the shadow lowering the ax down violently, creating a splattering chopping sound. It was similar to how a butcher cuts meat, but it was more sickening. Horrified, Mr. Mushnik stuffed the keys in his pocket and ran for his life.

Back at the shop, Seymour fed Audrey II newspaper covered body parts of the dearly departed Dolph Ziggler, DDS. The last body part was his head as he tossed it into the plant's mouth like a basketball. Audrey II cackled as it slurped and belched. "Now, how about a pint, fella?" he asked.

Into the depths of Purgatory, Dolph fell, and he fell, body parts and all. He ended up inside a malt shop and put himself together. Literally. He sat inside of a white booth and screwed his head back into place. He couldn't believe he could actually do that. He couldn't ever do it, he'd have to be-

"I can't be dead!" he cried. "If I were dead, I'd see one of those fucking angels telling me what to do."

Suddenly, the formerly blond dentist heard a harp-like sound from out of nowhere, then a flashing light. He turned around and saw a man in a dentist’s uniform with fairy wings. Surely, that wasn’t St. Peter, and he wasn’t in Heaven.

 _"Your story's sad to tell,"_ he began singing, _"a dental ne'er-do-well. Most sadistic little bitch on the block. Your future's so unclear now, what's left of your career now? Can't even get a trade-in on your smileeee!"_

Then, the room lit up and on the side of the stairs were three molars, a giant toothbrush, and a dental mirror dancing. At the bottom of the stairwell behind them were the Urchins. Drew was on the right, Heath and Jinder were on the left. They were back in their Dental School uniforms, with Jinder wearing a white turban, Heath’s hair in a crew-cut, and Drew had his hair half up, with the rest of his dark brown locks in tousled curls.

They sang their la-la-las, helping the angel taunt Dolph and moving like the doo-wop groups.

 _"Psychopath dentist, no certification for you,"_ The Tooth Fairy gracefully walked down the stairs. _"Miserable ass, should've been slapped with a lawsuit. Well, at least you could have taken time to wash and clean your clothes up..."_

As The Tooth Fairy sang, the Urchins mocked Dolph's laughing gas addiction. _"After spending all that dough on that goddamn nitrous oxide!"_ the fairy continued. _"Baby, get moving!"_

 _"Better get moving,"_ sang the Urchins.

_"Why keep putting Audrey in a cast? What are you proving?"_

_"What are you proving?"_ echoed the Urchins as they and the dental objects danced.

Dolph was bewildered that he was getting made fun of, his mouth dropped.

 _"You had the dream, but not the heart. If you go for your nose job, you could do a porno flick,"_ The Tooth Fairy ended up on the floor, between the Urchins as they did obscene pelvic thrusts before dancing off the stairs and onto the floor around Dolph. _"Turn in your dental drill and go straight down to Hell."_

The Urchins la-la-la'ed again as they joined the teeth before crowding around the booth where Dolph was sitting in, pissed off. "Get away from me!" he yelled, almost reaching out to hit Heath, who stuck his tongue out.

For being a Greek chorus, the only thing Heath, Jinder, and Drew lack in is self-control. Also, they're getting better at getting into people's minds.

 _"Psychopath dentist,"_ The Tooth Fairy continued berating him.

 _"Psychopath dentist,"_ echoed the Urchins.

The Tooth Fairy was all up in Dolph's face as the blond pressed his back against the booth. _"Hanging around Skid Row...sick little fucker,"_

 _"Sick little fuckkkeerrr!"_ echoed the Urchins as they popped up and helped the angel, the teeth, and dental objects in invading their spaces. _"Whoo-oooh-oohhh-ooh..."_

_"It's about time you knew the score!"_

_"Whoo-oooh-oooohh!"_

_"Your mom didn't teach you anything. You think you're such a looker."_

_"Oooohh-ooooh-ooohh!"_

Dolph's blue eyes brightened with shock. He couldn't beat them all up.

 _"But no pati-ent would go to you, unless they were a junkie!"_ The Tooth Fairy sang with a smirk.

Jinder's mouth dropped as Drew and Heath stared at each other before laughing at Dolph. The former dentist gave the Tooth Fairy a questionable look.

 _"Baby, don't sweat it,"_ sang the Tooth Fairy.

 _"Don't sweat it!"_ echoed the Urchins, who magically appeared across the table from Dolph.

_"You're not cut out for root canals!"_

_"Whoop-oop-oop!"_

_"Better forget it!"_

_"Forgeeettt it!"_

_"Who wants their teeth checked by a slob?"_

_"Whoop-oop-oopp!"_ The Urchins swayed back and forth.

 _"Now your hair is greased, your tan’s too fake, and still the world is cruel,"_ The Tooth Fairy continued, resting his hands on the Urchins' shoulders. _"Wipe off that pretty face and go straight down to Hell."_

The Urchins continued humming through their concealed as they tried to remain professional, doing their Motown moves. Just then, Dolph took out the vial of laughing gas and attempted to sniff it before The Tooth Fairy slapped him across the face.

"Stu-ppid!" cried Jinder.

"See, that's how you got yo' ass eaten by the plant!" yelled Heath.

"Nae ye gettin' smacked 'round like teh little pussy that ye are!" added Drew.

Dolph was extremely livid now. He tried to fight the Scotsman, only to get pushed back by a magical force. "I dare you to say it to my face one more time, asshole!" he yelled.

 _"Baby don't blow it,"_ The Tooth Fairy shook his head as he sang back to the stairwell as the Urchins remained at the table by Dolph doing their taunting Motown moves. _"Don't put my good advice to shame. Baby, you know it, even Dear Abby'd say the same. Now, I've called the shot, get off the pot! I really gotta fly. Gotta be goin' to that big tooth in the sky!"_

As the Tooth Fairy ascended the stairs, the molars, toothbrush, and dental mirror danced around him back to their original positions at the side of the stairwell. _"Psychopath dentist,"_ he sang.

 _"Psychopath dentist!"_ sang the Urchins, staying at the table.

_"...Go straight down to Hell. Insecure sadist..."_

_"Insecure sadiiissst!"_

_"...Go straight down to Hell. Psychopath dentist..."_

_"Psychopath dentist!"_

_"...Go straight down to Hell!"_

_"Shahhh-ahhhh-la-la-laaa!"_

Then, the harp sounds echoed as the room, along with Dolph, disappeared into the unknown darkness.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


End file.
